JOKES IN RITE
(Reducing Iregularities in Traditional English spelling)
Wen a new chainge is prezented, it dusnt meen that the chainge wil apeer in the joke.
This page doesn't have racy jokes. If you like racy jokes too, there are a few in Zé do Rock's joke site.
The rules beginning with 1. are general rules that dont change anything by themselves.
2.1. Cut all redundant letters, namely those wich do not serv any function in the pronunciation of the word. One important thing is that after a short stressd vowel and befor another vowel, we need at least two consonants (eg bak, but backing). If a word doesn't become the way we want yet because the rules stil hav tu come, we refrain now from cutting. Only gh- and ph-words ar 'corected' immediately.
"I'm Napoleon."
"Wat? U, Napoleon? Ar u kidding?"
"I'm Napoleon!"
"Listen, Napoleon was small, u'r tall. He was kind of fat, u'r slim like a bamboo!"
"I'M NAPOLEON!"
"Wat ar u saying? Napoleon livd 200 years ago, u won't tel me u believe in all this rubbish with reincarnation?"
"I'M NAPOLEON!!!!!!"
"Tel me, who told u that?"
"God."
"Wat??? Me???"
2.2. TS 'eye' becomes 'y' (eyeing > yng), TS 'you' becomes 'u', TS 'your' becomes 'yor' or 'yur', depending on the user's axent. TS 'moustache' becomes 'mustach', TS ‘know’ becomes 'kno'.
A gy is having a really hard time. He lost his job, he’s got lots of dets, his wife and the 10 children ar starving. Nobody wants to lend him money, and he doesn't kno any mor wat he can do. He decides to comit suicide. In the last moment he has a saving idea: he could rite to God! OK, he rites the letter and throws it in a letter box. The clerks in the post-office see the letter adressd to God/Heaven, open it and read:
"Dear God, i’m having a really bad time, i lost my job, i hav lots of dets, etc etc etc. Could u please send me 1000 dollars?"
The clerks ar really tuchd by this letter. There must be something we can do for this poor man! They start a campain colecting money in the other departments, colecting from the clients and even giving some money from their own pockets. After a week they'v got 900 dollars altogether. They send it to the man, who gets really happy. He counts the money: 100, 200, 300... 800, 900. And he counts again. A couple of days later the people in the post-office get a new letter:
"Dear God, thank u very much for the great help. It just saved my family's and my own life, it was really great! There is only one thing i would like to ask u: next time wen u send me money, please send a chek, because the clerks in the post-office pinchd already 100 dollars!
2.3. Apostrofes ar cut if the most likely way to pronounce the resulting word is the rite one and no ambiguity is caused, eg 'oclok, didnt, cant', for o'clock, didn't, can't. Optionally dont, wont for don't, won't. But: i'd, i'm, u'r (=you're).
A gy is riding on a little road and meets a dog going in the other direction. The dog says:
"Good morning!"
"Good morning!", says the gy and goes on. Suddenly he realizes wat happend and says:
"I cant believe this! This dog just talked to me!"
The horse comments:
"Yeah, boss, a talking dog, incredible, isnt it?"
2.4. We only use upper case (capitals) for proper names, sentence beginnings, titles and abreviations. Eg Pete and Mary went tu Scotland on monday, wile i visited IBM with Her Majesty.
On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow,
"Today I hav created u! As a cow, u must go to the field with the farmer all day long. U will work all day under the sun! I wil giv u a life span of 50 years."
The cow objected.
"Wat? This kind of tuf life u want me to liv for 50 years? Let me hav 20 years, and the 30 years I'l giv bak to u."
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog,
"Wat u ar suposed to do is to sit all day by the dor of yor house. Any people that come in, u wil hav to bark at them! I'l giv u a life span of 20 years!"
The dog objected:
"Wat? All day long to sit by the dor? No way! I giv u bak my other 10 years of life!"
So God agreed.
On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey,
"Monkey has to entertain people. U'v got to make them laf and do monkey triks. I'l giv u 20 years life span."
The monkey objected. "Wat? Make them laf? Do monkey faces and triks? Ten years wil do, and the other 10 years I'l giv u bak."
So God agreed. On the forth day, God created man and said to him,
"Yor job is to sleep, eat, and play. U will enjoy very much in yor life.
All u need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I'l giv u 20 years of life span."
The man objected:
"Wat? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and u expect me to liv only for 20 years? No way, man! Wy dont we make a deal? Since cow gave u bak 30 years, dog gave u bak 10 years and monkey gave u bak 10 years, i wil take them from u! That makes my life span 70 years, rite?"
So God agreed.
AND THAT IS WY...
In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to suport the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey triks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit in front of the dor and bark at people...
2.5. Cut double consonants wen they ar not folloing a short stressd vowel and preceding another vowel, (acommodate), but: a) we leave LL after U with a sound other than the usual short vowel sound as in 'annul, dul(l), eg 'full, pull, bull'. b) we leave the suffix -LLY, (usual+ly), eg 'really, actually, usually'.
The brazilian president visits the bolivian president, he's bringing with him his hole cabinet. At the airport the bolivian president is already waiting with his ministers. The brazilian president begins introducing his ministers: this is the Minister of Finance, this is the Minister of Culture, the Minister of Defence, the Minister of Justice, etc. Then the bolivian president starts with his ministers:
"This is the Minister of Finance, the Minister of Agriculture, the Foren Minister, the Minister of the Navy..."
"Wat? Minister of the Navy? Ar u kidding me? U dont hav a coast, how do u want to hav a Minister of Navy?"
"Look, one minute ago u introduced yor Minister of Justice and i didnt say anything, so let me finish now!"
2.6. Wen a shwa is represented by
AI, it remains: certain, certainly, captain.
EI, it becomes E: foren, sovren (or sovveren)
OUR, it becomes OR (americans hav it anyway): labor, behavior, favor.
OUS, it becomes US: famus, varius, curius.
The doctor calls the gy at home:
"We hav good and bad news. The bad news: yor wife had an accident, lost her 2 legs, her 2 arms, and she cant think any mor. She's like a plant, but she could liv for many years to come. So be prepared to take care of her."
"And wat ar the good news?"
"I was just kidding. She's ded."
2.7. In morfeme boundaries we keep the double consonant if both sub words ar recognised as having a meaning, eg 'unnecesary (or unnecesry), unnatural, teammate' but 'inate, inocuus' for 'innate, innocuous'.
(The jokes about the portuguese, the irish, the poles, the austrians, the belgians ar not ment to ofend these nationalities. They just happen to be the victims of the jokes in Brazil, England, the US, Germany, France.) By the way: all portuguese ar calld Manuel or Joaquim.
The portuguese president visits the brazilian president and complains that the brazilians keep making jokes about the portuguese, that this is bad for the relations between the two countries, etc. The brazilian president ansers:
"Wel, this is tru! I mean, the portuguese ar really stupid! U want me to giv u an example? I'l call my portuguese driver. Ey, Manuel!"
The driver comes. "Yes, sir!" The president says:
"Please go with the car to town and chek if i'm there!"
The driver says: "Yes, sir!" and leaves. The brazilian president says:
"Did u see that? He's really going to town to chek if i'm there!"
"U'r rite... he could hav foned!"
2.8. TS-ending 'ure' remanes 'ure', eg 'mesure, plesure, pressure, future'.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some ours later, Holmes wakes his faithful frend.
"Watson, look above us and tel me wat u see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"Wat does that tel u?"
Watson ponders for a minut. "Astronomically speaking, it tels me that there ar millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tels me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be aproximatly a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we ar small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we wil hav a butiful day tomorro. Wat does it tel u?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Watson, u idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
3.1.1. /ae/ as in ‘bat’ - spel ‘a’ - 'and, that, plad' for ‘and, that, plaid’. If a word isnt perfect yet acording to the RITE rules, we'l wait for the other rules and wont change now.
The blak gy is sitting in the bus, a woman gets in with a monkey. Suddenly the monkey starts squeaking and squealing, people ar getting angry in the bus. The blak gy takes a decision and goes to the driver:
"Hey, driver, ar monkies alowd in the bus now?"
The driver looks bak, sees the gy and says:
"Wel, actualy they'r not alowd, but if u duk in the bak of the bus and stay quiet, I'l turn a blind y!"
3.1.2. If the short ‘a’ /ae/ is folloed by a consonant and a vowel, double the consonant: 'havving, matter, happen' for ‘having, matter, happen’.
The crazy gy is walking in a clinic with a brush on the leash. He meets the doctor who says:
"Good morning! How ar u? And the dog is doing fine?"
"Wat u mean, dog? This is a brush, cant u see it?"
"Oh, sorry."
The doctor goes and the crazy gy says to the brush:
"We really foold him, ay Rover?"
3.1.3. We dont double J, K, Q, R or X, eg 'project, liquid, very, taxi', exept wen TS doubles it, either a "real" double, like RR, eg 'carry, married, current', or a digraf "replacing" the double, like DJ, eg 'adjectiv, adjutant', CK eg 'lacking, backing'. Only X isnt doubled in any form.
(a joke of the year 1999...)
God looks down and says
"No, no, no. I'm really disapointed with this humanity. They'l never lern it! Wel, i think i hav to put an end to this. The 31. december 1999, thats a good date. At midnite. I'l call the 3 most important people and tel them to tel humanity that this time it is over."
He calls Yeltzin, Clinton and Bill Gates and tels them the news. They come down and Yeltzin goes to the Duma, the russian parlament, and says:
"Comrades, there ar 2 bad news: first, God exists, altho we always afirmed the opposit. Second, he wil put an end to the world on the 31.12.99 at midnite."
Clinton goes to the Congress:
"Folks, i hav good and bad news. The good news: God exists, as we always had afirmed. The bad news: the world wil end on the 31.12.99 at midnite."
Bill Gates goes to the Microsoft staf:
"Folks, i hav 2 peces of good news. First, God chose me as one of the 3 most important people of the world. Second, we wont hav the computer problem with the year 2000 any mor!"
3.1.4. We dont double befor –IC, ITY, –OGY, (and their derivatives) since the vowels befor these endings ar usually short and stressd (exept U wich is long and stressd), eg 'economic, political, gravity, ideology'.
It is saturday morning and it is raining cats and dogs. In the palace of the brazilian president the telephone rings. It is the finance minister.
"Good morning, Mr. President! Look, in haf an our an airplane with 3 bankers from the 3 biggest swiss banks is landing, and, u kno, our situation is catastrofic, we hav to giv them a good reception."
"Wat do u mean? U dont really want me to go to the airport now, saturday morning with this rain?"
"Wel, Mr. President, our situation is really bad, we hav to do something about it!"
They discuss for a wile and the president givs in. They go to the airport and meet there. It is stil saturday morning and it is stil raining cats and dogs. The plane lands but stays on the other side of the airport. The finance minister says:
"Thats a shame. But we hav to go there and receive them properly, our situation is really disastrus and we hav to get all the credits we can."
"U'r kidding me! It is saturday morning and there is haf a meter water outside! I'l never go there, never!"
They discuss for a wile and the president givs in. They push the pants to their nees and go to the plane. The mobile stairs dok at the dor, the president and the minister stand on each side of the stairs, the dor opens, the minister cheks his outfit, all rite, he looks at the president and sees that he stil has the end of his pants at his nees.
"Mr. President, Mr. President! Get yor pants down!"
"Listen, this is too much. Is our situation really so catastrofic???"
3.2.5. No doubling takes place where the result could lead to a mispronunciation, eg 'decisions, visual', not ‘decissions, vissual’.
(This is a scandinavian joke. For the ones who dont kno, the fins ar known for being great drunkyards)
During WWII, the finnish soldiers went to the front, did their job at daytime, went bak in the evening to the little town, drank as much as they could in the pub and faut quite wildly against each other. Usually there wer always some broken tables and chairs, but one of the soldiers always paid the bil and the owner was satisfied.
One day they faut against the russians again, went bak to the town, went to the pub, drank and faut quite wildly against each other. In the end they lay around unconcius, on and under the tables. In the middle of the nite the russian bombers came and distroyd every house in town. The town (and the pub) became a huge ruin, there was absolutely nothing left. In the morning the comander was the first one to open his small and tired ys. He lookd around, saw the damage, lookd around again and said:
"No, no, no! I wont pay this bil alone!"
3.1.6. Wen a base word has a magic 'e', it keeps it even if in a derived word a suffix beginning with consonant folloes, thus 'lately, shapeless', not 'laitly, shaipless'.
The Irish Space Agency decided to start a trip to the sun. The hole world is shokd, the russians and americans say the irish must be completely crazy. Many thousands of kilometers befor they arive there, they wil be completely burnd out.
"No, we wont", say the irish, "we'l fly by nite".
3.1.7. If we change a certain letter in a stressd position (eg 'system > sistem') we change it in derived words, too: 'systematic > sistematic'. In the case of i/y, we keep the 'y' to sho it is a long 'i' tho, so even if we hav 'siky' for 'psyche', we keep 'sycology'.
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayd to God, saying,
"God, please giv me the strength to cross this river."
POOF !!!! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across the river in about two ours, after almost drowning a couple of times!!! Seeing this, the second man prayd to God, saying,
"God, please giv me the strength and the TOOLS to cross this river."
POOF!!!! God gave him a ro boat and he was able to ro across the river in about an our, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times!!! The third man had seen how this workd out for the other two, so he also prayd to God, saying,
"God, please giv me the STRENGTH and the TOOLS and the INTELLIGENCE to cross this river. "
And ----POOF!!!!! God turnd him into a WOMAN !!! She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then WALKED ACROSS THE BRIDGE!!!!!!!!!!!
3.2. /a:/ as in ‘father’ - spel ‘a’ - 'father, pam, caf' for ‘father, palm, calf’. If u'r a brit, u mite not like it. If u dont like it, spel TS (traditional spelling): palm, calf.
An african goes to Oxford and wants to study there. The clerk asks him in wich branch he'd like to study. He ansers:
"Wat do u mean, branch??? I want a chair like evrybody else!"
3.3.1. /ei/ as in ‘made’ - spel ‘a’ befor a vowel or a consonant + vowel, eg 'caos, baking'.
The Minister of Helth visits a psychiatric clinic and is talking to the director. Suddenly there is an emergency and the director has to go to another section, he has to leave the minister alone and tels him to hav a look around in the clinic. The minister comes to the lobby, where an (ex-) patient is getting his papers to leave the hospital. The minister asks the patient:
"How did u like it here? Was it all rite?"
"Yes, it is all rite here. The doctors ar frendly, the hole personel is frendly, the treatment is very eficient and the food is exelent. U can relax, they'l treat u good here."
"O sorry, i'm not a patient here. I'm the Minister of Helth."
"O yes, i understand that. Wen i came in here, i thaut i was the president of the United States!"
3.3.2. /ei/ If a consonant follo and no vowel follo the consonant, ad an ‘e’ after the consonant, eg 'make, take, pane'.
How do u get 4 elefants in a small red FIAT?
-Two in the front and two in the bak.
And how do u get 4 girafs in a small red FIAT?
-U take the 4 elefants out and put the 4 girafs in.
And how do u kno if there ar 4 girafs in a movie theater?
-U chek if the small red FIAT is parkd outside.
3.3.3. /ei/ Spel ‘ai’ befor 2 or mor consonants, eg waist, paist, faint.
Clinton, Blair and Kohl (who has a really bad english) arive at Geneva, each of them gets in a limousine and the 3 limousines go to a conference. Suddenly Clintons driver has to brake because of a pedestrian, Blairs limousine colides with Clintons limousine and Kohls limousine colides with Blairs limousine. They all come out, Clinton apologizes:
"I'm sorry."
Blair apologizes:
"I'm sorry, too."
Kohl says:
"I'm sorry three."
3.3.4. /ei/ Spel ‘ay’ at the end of a werd, eg 'day, way, thay'.
The woman says to the gy:
"Listen, we'v been together for the last 32 years, shouldnt we marry for a change?"
"Do u think we'd stil find somebody?"
3.4. /er/ as in ‘air’ - spel ‘air’, eg 'thair, cair', for 'there/their, care'.
McQuillan walked into a bar and orderd martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. Wen the jar was fild with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzled over wat McQuillan had done, "wat was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
3.5.1. /o:/ as in ‘caught’ - spel ‘au’ befor a consonant inside a root werd, eg 'caut, aul' for 'caught, all'
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub aul nite. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fel flat on his face. He tried to stand one mor time; same result. He figurd he'l craul outside and get some fresh air and maybe that wil sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fel on his face again. So he decided to craul the for bloks home. Wen he arived at the dor he stood up and fel flat on his face. He crauld thru the dor and into his bedroom. Wen he reached his bed he tried one mor time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself uprite, but he quikly fel rite into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his hed hit the pillo. He was awakend the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO U'V BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he sed,
"Wat makes u say that?"
"The pub just cauld; u left yor weelchair thair again."
3.5.2. /o:/ ‘o’ befor ‘r’, eg 'or, for'
President Bush is fed up with aul these jokes telling that he's bad in languages. So now he started lerning Esperanto, and hopes to be able to spend his next holidays thair.
3.5.3. /o:/ ‘aw’ in other cases, eg law, draw, drawer, draws.
An old man, a boy and a donky wer going to town. The boy rode on the donky
and the old man waukd. As thay went along thay passd some people who remarkd it
was a shame the old man was wauking and the boy was riding. The man and the boy thaut maybe the critics wer rite, so thay changed positions. Later thay passd some people that remarkd, "wat a shame, he makes that little boy wauk." Thay decided thay both would wauk! Soon thay passd some mor people who thaut thay wer stupid to wauk wen thay had a decent donky to ride. So thay both rode the donky. Now thay passd some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donky. The boy and man said thay wer probably rite so thay decided to carry the donky. As thay crossd a bridge, thay lost thair grip on the annimal and he fel into the river and drownd. The moral of the story?
If u try to please everyone, u wil eventually loos yor ass.
3.6. /b/ as in ‘bat’ - spel ‘b’, eg 'be, but'.
Two portuguese astronauts, Joaquim and Manuel (thay'r aulways cauld like that), and the american astronaut Terry James fly to the moon. Wen thay arive thair, thay hav to wauk in vairius directions to colect some stones. After a few ours thay come bak, Joaquim and Terry meet wair the capsule was. A bit wurried Terry asks Joaquim:
'Wair is Manuel? Wair is the capsule?
'The capsule? Manuel had hedake and swalloed the capsule.'
3.7.1. /k/ as in ‘king’ - spel ‘k’ befor ‘e’, ‘i’ and ‘y’, eg 'keep, kik', at the end of one syllable words, eg 'bak, think',
The army had been organized haistily and so promotions wer quik. The lieutenant had just found himself elevated to major, with an office to himself. His first visitor nokd on the dor.
"Come in, " he cauld. Wanting to impress the man who was about to enter, he pikd up the fone and began tauking. "Yes, general, I think I agree with u," he said. "But let me think it over a bit. I'l let u kno tonite at dinner." Then he turnd to the visitor. "Now, yung man, wat can i do for u?"
"Nothing, sir," came the reply. "I came to install yor fone."
3.7.2. /k/ is speld 'q' befor the w-sound: quality, queen.
On thair way to get married, a yung cuple ar involvd in a fatal car accident. The cuple find themselvs sitting outside the Perly Gates wating for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. Wile wating, thay begin to wonder: Could thay possibly get married in Heaven? Wen St. Peter shows up, thay ask him. St. Peter says, dont kno. This is the first time anyone has askd. Let me go find out, and he leves.
The cuple sits and wate for an anser. . . . .for a cuple of months. Wile thay wate, thay discuss that IF thay wer alowd to get married in Heaven, SHOULD thay get married, wat with the eternal aspect of it aul. Wat if it doesnt work? Thay wonder, ar we stuk together FOREVER?
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewat bedragled. Yes, he informs the cuple, u CAN get married in Heaven. Grate! says the cuple, but we wer just wondring, wat if things dont work out? Could we aulso get a divorce in Heaven? St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipbord onto the ground. Wats rong? ask the fritend cuple. O, COME ON!! St. Peter shouts, It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do u hav ANY idea how long it'l take me to find a lawyer?
3.7.3. Spel ‘x’ befor /s/, eg box, axident, but not in inflections, eg books, soks
Two guys ar sitting in a trane, one of them keeps wispring aul the time. The other one asks him wat he's doing.
"I'm counting. I like to count, trees, annimals, cars..."
"But u cant count them! The trane is too fast!"
"Yes, i can count them."
"Look, thair is a sheep flok coming. U cant count them so quikly!"
"Yes, i do."
The trane passes the flok in 2 or 3 seconds.
"So did u count them?"
"Yes. 264 sheep."
"How did u do that?"
"Its simple. I counted first the feet, that was 1056. Then i divided by 4."
3.8.1.C. /s/ as in ‘so’ - spel ‘s’, eg sertain, just,
After being nearly snobound for two weeks last winter, a strapping yung irish lad named Sean left Chicago for a vacation in Miami Beach, wair he was to meet his wife Mary Frances the next day at the conclusion of her business trip in New York. Thay wer looking forward to plesant wether and a nise time together. Unfortunatly, thair was some sort of mix up at the bording gate, and Sean was told he would hav to wate for a later flite. He tried to apeal to a superviser but was told the airline was not responsable for the problem and it would do no good to complane. Upon ariving at the hotel the next day, Sean discoverd that Miami Beach was havving a heat wave, and its wether was almost as uncomfortably hot as Chicago's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arive as pland. He could hardly wate to get to the pool airea to cool off, and quikly sent his wife an e-male, but due to his haist, he made an errer in the adress. His message arived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day befor. Wen the grieving widow opend her e-male, she had a look at the moniter, let out an anguishd scream, and fel to the flor ded. Her famly rushd to her room wair thay saw this message on the screen: Dearest wife, departed yesterday as u kno. Just now got chekd in. Some confusion at the gate. Apeal was denied, received confermation of yor arival tomorro.
Yor loving husband. P.S. Things ar not as we thaut. U'r going to be serprised at how hot it is down here!
LINKS:
- RITE RULES WITH MENNY EXAMPLES