RÖLS FOR THE AXENTUS SISTEM

WITH JÓKS AS EXAMPLES

On my website i present 3 spelling reform systems for english: the House Stile (HS), developed after a referendum in TESS, The English Spelling Society, to be used by the Society on thare website and in thare correspondence. It wasnt necessarily the system the Society recommended to the world - thare is no such a system - but many members thaut that if the Society preeches water, it shouldnt drink wine. We cant preech reformd spelling and then use only Traditional Spelling (TS). Unfortunatly the chareman and some influential members thaut that we shouldnt giv prefrence to one or another sistem, and would somehow feel ashamed if our website was written in something that wasnt Traditional Spelling. But reeders would say, "Wy should i use reformd spelling if eeven the Society that preeches it doesnt use it?" Ennyway some members kept using the House Stile.

The HS was a simple sistem with only 4 changing rules, so it doesnt change much, and if a sistem had a chance to be adopted, than this one - or something simmilar. We made a pole among frends and aquaintances, and almost 90% sed it was very eesy or eesy to reed. Only a few respondents sed it is very dificult, but they all admitted that they hate the idea of spelling reform, so we can assume that the anser "very dificult" was rather due to thare hatred against spelling reform and less to a real dificulty to reed it.

Another system is RITE, Redusing Iregularitys in Tradicional English. Don't spell right, spel RITE! This scheem was developd by a smaller group of a dozen members, and it is a sort of expanded House Stile. It tries to solv all the problems of english spelling, but it has its limitations: 1) the chainges must be based on english spelling patterns, and 2) it shouldnt create new problems. This meens that werds like 'put' and 'book', eeven having the same vowel, remane unchainjd, becaus thare isnt a pattern for it: U is usualy used for the sound as in 'cut' or 'but', OO is used for the sound in 'zoom'. And we cant solv the shwa problem - shwa is the obscure vowel as the A in 'consonant' - becaus thare is no agreement on ware the shwas ar. Eeven dictionaries cant agree on it very offen, for example sum dictionaries wud say that the seccond I in 'intelligent' is a short I, uthers wud say it is a shwa, and sum say it is a shwi, wich wud be a shwa with the coloration of a short I. So we wud solv a problem but create a nu wun.

I creáted alone a system called Axentus, which solves more problems than RITE, for instance it spells 'püt' and 'bük' for 'put' and 'book'. But it doesnt solve the shwa problem either.

While the HS would hav a chance to be adopted (éven if very small), becaus the rules ar ésy to lern and it is ésy to réd for péple used to TS (Traditional Spelling), Axentus would hav very little chance to be adopted, since it uses diacritics, wich dont belong to the tools english spelling uses. I just made it for fun, and to show how an almost complét sistem with accents could be.

The sistem wil be presented progressivly: we start with the letter A, that is, we wil take A off ware necessary, replace letters with A or insert A, or put accents on A. Then we come to B, C, etc, and the mor we advanse, the mor chainjes thare wil be.

If yu find erers in the lojic acording tu axentus, fél fre tu tel me. As wel as wen yu find gramatical erers - mi english is far from being perfect.

PRINCIPLES:

P1- When british and american speakers (or a considerable number of them) would spell a word differently, keep TS (schedule). In the case of other variants: keep TS too, unless there is one shorter and/or clearly more common variant, plus the TS form if that would be one of the variants (ofen, often, wat, what).

P2 -Root words (respelled or not) don’t change when suffixes are added or compounds are built, if it is not misleeding for pronunciation and no other rule applies. Thus slite>slitely, activity>activitys.

P3 –Proper names and the root words in their derivatives are not respelled, but derivatives are not capitalized. But since I, Zé do Rock, have an international system for geographical names, that apply for all languages, i use it here, too. Geographical names aren't respelled, but they are the local names, and names in countries where the main language is a language i reform english, french, german, portuguese and spanish - are reformed after all.

P4 –Capitals are used for sentence beginnings, proper names, titles, abbreviations, but not for common words like ‘i’, ‘friday’, ‘march’, ‘english’.

P5 - If a new word by these principles would be spelled the same way as an existing axentus word and they don't have the same pronunciation, we refrain from changing.

P6 –Apostrophes can be dropped if the resulting respelling isnt misleading for pronunciation (thus ‘wasnt’, but not ‘hell’ for ‘he’ll’).

And now we start changing spelling. We start with the letter A, we cut A, add A or replace letters with A. With B, C, D, etc its the same:

The irishman O'Hara had been drinking at a pub all evening. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So O'Hara stood up to leave and fell flat on his fáce. He tried to stand one more time: sáme result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and mábe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his fáce again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. He managed to open the door somehow, and only God knows how he managed to lift himself to his bed. He was awákened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,

"O'HARA, YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,

"What mákes you say that?"

"The pub just called: you left your wheelchair thare again!”

***

sáme, fáce, máke - stressed long vowels get an acute accent, for the moment only A, and magic E isnt necessary any more: blám, bláming, ám, áming, gám, cám, clám, shám, fám, flám, frám, sám, lám, nám. But we have to wát until we come to E to drop the E.

say - at the end of one syllable words, the vowel is automatically long, so we wont need a Y nor an accent, it will be 'sa', as ba, da, ga, gra, pa, pla, pra, tra, cla, ja, wa, sta, la, ma, ra. But we have to wát until we come to Y.

mábe - thare are composed words ware its not clear whether the first or the last syllable are stressed. In this case we consider the first one as the stressed one, and dont spell 'màbé'.

thare - the sound /Er/ (or /E@/ or /E:/ in british english) is spelled 'are': bare, dare, glare, pare, prare, tare, care, ware, share, fare, flare, spare, stare, hare, mare, rare. But for instance for 'pair' or 'pear' to become 'pare' we have to wát until we come to the letter I in the cáse of 'pair', and to the letter E in the cáse of 'pear'.

As you see, some words will merge in their spelling, because thay have the sáme pronunciation, like 'bear' and 'bare', 'pear' and 'pair'. Other words, that are spelled the sáme way but pronounced differently, will often be spelled differently. Anyway, words with several meanings are not a problem usually, since tha are perfectly understood in speech, ware the differentiation doesnt exist. The word 'to' has many functions, and still we always know what is ment, because of the context. The word 'you' is translated into french or spanish as 'tu' or as 'vous/vos' (for the plural), and still we can live with it. The word 'live' has more than one meaning, too, still we alwàs know what is ment - in axentus we spell 'liv' or 'lív', depending on the pronunciation.

pronunciation - words ending with -ation dont have an accent on the A, since the A is alwàs long in this cáse.

ment - silent, useless A is dropped, so we spell bed, bled, bred, ded, deth, pled, tred, wed, shed, fed, fled, sed, hed, led, red.

This is a scandinavian joke. For the ones who dont know, the finns are well known for being grát drunkyards, although thats not really true: tha drink a lot when tha are abroad, because alcohol in their own country is extremely expensive.

During WWII, the finnish soldiers went to the front, did their job at dátime, went back in the evening to the little town, drank as much as tha could in the pub and faught quite wildly against each other. Usually thare were alwàs some broken tábles and chairs, but one of the soldiers alwàs pád the bill and the owner was satisfied.

One day tha faught against the russians again, went back to the town, went to the pub, drank and faught quite wildly against each other. In the end tha lay around unconscious, on and under the tábles. In the middle of the night the russian bombers cáme, dropped tons of boms and distroyed every house in town. The town (and the pub) becáme a huge ruin, thare was absolutely nothing left. In the morning the commander was the first one to open his small and tired eyes. He looked around, saw the damage, looked around again and said: “No, no, no! I wont pay this bill alone!”

***

bom - useless silent B is dropped, thus bomb > bom. 'Bomber' has to wát: we cant spell 'bomers', since it would suggest a long O. Only when we come to O we will spell long O with Ó, then we can spell 'bomers' for 'bombers'. alwàs - unstressed long vowels get an accent grave. Holidà, ashtrà.

A guy is driving his car, obviously too fast, since he's stopped by the police. The officer:

"You were driving 40 km per hour too fast! Show me the car papers, please!"

"I'd rather not."

"What do you mean, "I'd rather not"???"

"The car papers are in the glove compartment."

"So take the papers from the glove compartment!"

"OK, but i have to warn you: thare is a gun inside!"

"A gun??? What do you need a gun for?"

"I just killed a friend of mine."

"You killed a friend of yours? And ware is the body?"

"In the boot."

Thats too much for the policeman. He calls for reinforcements. A team arrives quikly, the commander tells the driver to get out of the car, another policeman cheks the glove compartment, thare are only papers inside. Then tha chek the trunk, no body thare. The commander asks the driver:

"So how come the officer is saying you had a gun in the glove compartment and a body in the boot?"

"I have no idea, i guess this guy has quite a rich fantasy! All thats missing is that he says i was driving too fast!"

***

Quikly, chek - C can be dropped from the digraph CK.

The rule for the K sound is: before E and I and at the end of a one syllable stem word, use K, otherwise use C. This is the pattern in TS, too. But sometimes it has exceptions, like 'kangaroo' and 'koala bear'. In RITE tha ar cangaru and coala bare. One could argue that these are indigenous words, but 'canoe' is indigenous, too, and still we dont spell kanoe.

If the stem ends with K, we keep it in derivatives even if it is not necessary: bankrupt. So we keep the root and it works fine.

Silent C is rare, i just know one word with it, 'indict', which becomes 'indít'.

An african goes to the Oxford University and wants to study thare. The clerk asks him in which branch he'd like to study. He answers:

"What do you mean, branch??? I want a chair like everybody else here!"

***

Not much happens with D. It is not pronounced in a few words, like handkerchief, which becomes hankerchif. The british Oxford Dictionary gives the pronunciation of the last syllable as short I, the american Merriam-Webster gives the pronunciation as shwa, short I or long E. I works fine for shwa, short I and sometimes it represents also long E. 'Hankerchèf' would represent only one of the 3 american pronunciations.

The blak guy is sitting in the bus, a woman gets in with a monkey. Suddenly the monkey starts squéking and squéling, péple ar getting angry in the bus. The blak guy táks a decision and goes to the driver:

"Hay, driver, ar monkies allowd in the bus now?"

The driver looks bak, sees the guy and ses:

"Well, actually tha'r not allowd, but if you duk in the bak of the bus and stay quiet, i'll tern a blind eye!”

***

squék, squél - long E is spelled with É. Blék, pék, crék, wék, shék (chic), frék, sék, spék, lék, mék, dél, pél, vél, zél, fél, sél, stél, hél, mél, nél. 'Real' could be spelld 'reel' too, but also 'real', and since TS has 'real' and we hav werds like 'reality', we kép it 'real'.

The exceptions for final /i:/ exist in RITE, too: 'be, he, me, she, the, we' dont get a double E.

ar, allowd - silent, useless E is droppd. In the cáse of 'monkey' too, but we hav to wát until we get to U, to spell 'munky'. A principle of axentus is that a werd shouldnt be simplified if the most likely way to pronounce the new form isnt the actual pronunciation, and the most likely way to pronounce 'monky' is not what the real pronunciation is.

ses - the stressd short vowels A, E, I, O and U ar spelld with thés vowels: cat, ses, eny, bit, wimen, lot, roten, but, cut, cuting.

tern - the spelling for the /3r/ sound as in deserve, shirt, word, hurt is ER. Since E in the last syllable is usually unstressd, we use UR when the last syllable is stressd: desurv, shert, werd, hert, bern, lern, tern, return, refur.

A young guy goes for a walk in the forest with his sister, and finds a 100 dollar bill on the ground. He ses:

"Êxcellent! With this money i can go to the brothel tomorrow!" The sister ses:

"Dont be an idiot! Giv me this money and you can fuk me as often as you like!"

He reflects a bit, it doesnt sound a bad idéa. Tha go home and hav sex. Then the sister ses:

"Do you know what? You'r better than Dady in bed!"

"Yeah, Mum told me that, too."

*** The sound /f/ is spelld with F: cof, enuf, alfabet, fone.

êxcellent - since X can represent the sounds /ks/ and /gz/, we kép C to mák clér that the sound is /ks/. Now, why is thare a cercumflex on the E? Becaus in axentus we show unexpected stress. When the vowel is long, thare is no problem, since the acute accent shows that the vowel is stressd, and the accent grave that the vowel is unstressd. To use the cercumflex we hav to know the stress patterns in TS:

lonely E, -ing or Y in the last sillable is unstressd
the sillable befor -ic, -it, -ogy/ogi (láter ojy/oji) is stressd. if thare ar mor than one, the last oneis the one that counts.
werds beginning with a single vowel or be-, co-, de-, di-, in-, mis-, non-, per-, pre-, pro-, re-,un-, under- dont hav the stress thare. if a werd begins with 2 of thés préfixes, tha’r stil unstressd

(re-pre-sent, re-co-mend)

in werds with 3 syllables or mor the stress is on the 3^rdbut last syllable

If the stress doesnt obá to thés patterns, the stressd vowel gets a cercumflex: excêpt, côntinent, ârticle, cêlebràted.

Thés rules hav a hierarchy, rule A tops all the others, B tops C and D, C tops D. That méns that the werd 'anser' (answer) doesnt néd an accent: we chek rule A, which ses that E in the last syllable is unstressd, and thats the cáse, so we dont néd a cercumflex on A, éven if it contradicts rule C (werd beginning with a vowel hav this vowel unstressd). It fits into rule A and thats enough. 'Except' would fit into rule C, but doesnt fit into rule A, so it néds an accent: excêpt.

cáse - a lonely S at the end of the werd is often a plural or stands for a conjugation (he goes, he does) and is pronounced as /z/. So we double the S after a short vowel to show an /s/ sound, and if it is not after a short vowel, we use 'se': house, cáse, horse.

Two old ladies wer outside thare nersing home having a smoke, when it started to rán. One of the ladies pulld out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigaret, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: Whats that?

Lady 2: A condom.

Lady 1: Ware do you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at eny chemist.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the farmacist that she wanted to buy a pak of condoms. The guy lookd at her strángely (she was, after all, in her nineties), but politely askd what brand she preferrd.

"Doesnt matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

***

Silent G's - not counting GH - ar rare: pflegm, diafragm become flem, diafram. But i dont know eny jokes with flem or diafram - if someone knoes one, plés tell me...

G with the sound of /dZ/ as in 'geology' will become J, thus jeolojy, but thats comes when we come to the letter J. G will be alwàs pronounced /g/.

In Brazil tha mák meny jokes about argentinians, although tha arnt the stupid ones as in the jokes about the portuguese. Thare is a sort of folcloric rivalry, but its not really sérious: wen the argentinian currency is wék, brazilian tourists flood the country, and tha'r not mistréted, and the opposit happens wen the brazilian currency is wék. Some brazilians dont like it wen argentinians win in football, no matter against whom, and the opposit is tru too, but i was quite thankful that the argentinians braut the Cup bak to Soud America - usually a europén tém won a cup, then a soudamerican tém, alwàs alternating, but suddenly the européns won four times in a row, the européns wanted to monopolize the Werld Cup...

A nun, a butiful gerl, an argentinian and a brazilian stand in an êlevater. Suddenly thare is a blakout, complét darkness. Then tha hér the nois of a kiss - smak! - and then the nois of a slap - platch! Soon after, tha hav power again. Tha all look at éch other, trying to guess wat happend. The nun thinks: one of the two guys tried to kiss the butiful woman and recévd his deservd punishment. The butiful woman: one of the two guys tried to kiss me but kissd the nun, and recévd his deservd punishment. The argentinian: fucking brazilian, he kisses the butiful gerl and i get the slap! The brazilian: that was well done! I kissd my hand - smak! - and slappd the argentinian!

***

wen, wat - most péple by far dont pronounce the H, but some péple do, so its thare rite to spell it with H. Its an optional spelling. braut - GH's disapér. And /O:/ is spelled with 'au', unless its at the end of a werd, then its 'aw'.

against - theoretically we could spell 'agên' for 'again' and 'agênst' for 'against', but thare ar enough péple who say it as /ei/, ie with a long A, as if it was spelld 'agane' and 'against' (we cant spel aganest). So we lév it as it is. And to spell 'enuf' we hav to wát till we come to O. 'Enouf' would be misléding.

Soud America - we start using the internacional system for geografic náms. If you ar intrested, go to the panlatino reglas and serch for 'reglas geografic'. Tha ar written in the nacional romanic languages, but thare is also a parallel english translation. Enyway the cardinal points ar internacionally Norde-Sude-Weste-Este, but the final E is droppd wen no consonent follows. Thus Sude Sudan, Sude Korea, but Sud America, Nord Europa. In the âdjectivs and dêmonyms the werds come together: sudamericano, nordeuropis, sudekoris.

internacional, nacional - wen the vowel befor /S@/ spelld with ti + V, ci + V or ssi + V is short, we spell it with CI: nacional, pacion, special, micion. In other cáses we spell with ti + V: nation, notion, construction.

intrested - usually we dont cut shwas, but we can do it after a consonent and befor R: intrest, sepràt, genral.

êlevator, consonent - usually we dont "repair" shwas, becaus thare is no agrément on ware tha ar, and some péple would say that the shwa-O in 'atom' is difrent than the shwa-E in system, wich would be rather a shwi, tending to a sound nér short I. But in the cáse of final /@r/ and final /@nt/ it is alwàs a shwa and alwàs the sám, so we spell -er and -ent: êlevater, alter, acter, assistent, consonent. -Ure can become -er, too, but only if the consonent befor isnt chánged by the -ure. 'Figure' becomes 'figer', but 'nature' becomes 'náture', it doesnt become 'náter' - wen T, S or C ar spelld SH or CH, we dont chánge it to CH or SH. So 'pressure' remáns 'pressure', it doesnt become 'presser' or 'presher'.

Some other suffixes can be rêgularized too: /@b@l/ is usually spelld '-able': cápable, fashonable. But sometimes TS has -ible, as in 'possible'. Such werds get an 'able' ending too: possable, permissable. And the ending /@dZ/ is always -aj: messaj, persentaj, marraj.

suffix - of course one F has to be droppd, but we hav to wát until we come to U, then we can put an accent on U if the vowel is long, and we know by then that 'sufix' will be short.

As you se, axentus isnt strát alfabetical, its not a one-letter-for-one-sound reform. Certanly it is not as ésy to spell with it as a fonetic system, on the other hand it is much ésier to réd for péple who can réd alredy, and most péple can réd and write, although of course thare ar dyslexics all over the pláce... i guess most péple would néd a few seconds to find out wat 'naicher' is, and some péple mite not understand it at all.

a H - this is not part of axentus, still i hav to introduce it hér, becaus its the way i wrote parts of my new book, and it is básed on thés rules, and it should apply for all languages i use in the book. We hav a new âlfabet, an internacional one, that is, the nám of the letters is the sám in eny language. It is on the páge of the panlatino reglas, at the beginning of the 'regla geografic'. So thare cant be misunderstandings like the nám of the letter A in english, wich is named /ei/, and sounds as an E for the spékers of the grát majority of languages. And thare cant be misunderstandings wen somebody spells a nám at the fone, and the listener doesnt know if it was an F or an S, a P or a T, etc. The letters ar listed by categories:

A E I O U Yau Wau

Ba De Gi Po Tu Cau Kei

Ja Ve Zi Sho Fu Sau

Ha Le Mi Noi Ru

A is like english /a/, but can be /A/ as in english 'calm'. E is /e/, wich angloes cant say properly in that posicion, tha say /ei/ - start saying 'say', but stop befor you pronounced the Y - or say a short E, as in 'egg' but without G. I is /i/, same as english 'ee', but it can be short. O is /o/, angloes can say it as 'aw' in 'law'. U like the U in 'put'. Yau is pronounced as if the angloes wrote 'yow', and 'wau' as 'wow'. And the other vowels after the consonent ar pronounced like the vowels alone. Gi is always /g/. Ja is /Za/, the Z like the S in vision or the J in 'déjà vu'. N should be 'no', and thats also the werd for 'no' in sevral languages. Usually thare is no confusion éven if so meny letters sound the sám as some werds: I C the B thats wants to P on the T. But with 'no' it could indéd become problematic, so the nám of the letter N is 'noi'.

So F is Fu, S is Sau. M is Mi, N is Noi. Much ésier to tell one from another at the fone.

Of course: thés ar just the náms of the letters. Tha ar pronounced acording to the rules of the specific languages.

An argentinian farmer visits his collègue in Brazil. The argentinian has just arrívd, and the brazilian farmer begins to brag:

"Do you se the mountan over thare? Quít hi, isnt it? Wen you clím it, and look in watever direction: it is all mi estát!"

After a wíl the brazilian farmer visits his collègue in Argentina. He has just arrívd, and the argentinian begins to brag:

"Wen i lév mi house in the morning with mi jép, in the évening i havnt come to the borders of mi estát yet!"

"Yeah", ses the brazilian, "i understand - i had an argentinian jép too, tha'r really crap!"

***

hi, mi - the final /ai/ sound is spelld with I in one silable werds: i, bi, di, dri, gi, pi, pli, ti, tri, cri, wi, shi, fli, fri, si, spi, ski, hi, li, mi, ri. Unstressd long vowels at the end of werds with mor than one silable dont néd eny accent, tha (excêpt A) ar automatically long and unstressd: ally > âli, magnify > magnifi. If /ai/ is stressd, it néds the accent: aplí, suplí, dení. The TS werd 'ski' must be chánged to 'ske', of course, since 'ski' is ware the clouds ar - or ar not. Befor consonents, we use the accent: bít, blít, brít, plít, tít, kít, wít, fít, sít, spít, hít, lít, mít, nít, rít, fínd, blínd, pínt.

mountan - wen two vowels stand for a shwa and one of them is I, we drop the I, since an I usually suggêsts a short I: mountan, certan, foren.

"After man, the most intellijent ânimal is the chimpanzee." "Really? And the woman, comes therd?"

***

intellijent - the /dZ/ sound is spelld with J: intellijent, jeenious > jeenius, jernalist, joke.

chimpanzee - dictionaries giv all sorts of stress for this werd, on the ferst, on the second and on the last silable. If the stress was clérly on the ferst silable, we'd spel chimpanzy, if it was clérly on the second silable, chimpânzy, if on the last silable, chimpanzé. But as it is, we just hav to lév the werd alone.

How do you get 4 êlefents into a small red FIAT?

-Two in the front and two in the bak.

And how do you get 4 jirâfs into a small red FIAT?

-You ták the 4 êlefents out and put the 4 jirâfs in.

And how do you know if thare ar 4 jirâfs in a movie théater?

-You chek if the small red FIAT is parkd outsìd.

***

Silent K is droppd: ne, níf, nukle. But 'know' cant become 'now' now, since 'now' is occupìd... so we hav to wát till W, to spell 'no'...

CH with K sound is spelld with K befor E, I and final, otherwize with C: kemical, caracter.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up thare tent, and fall aslép. Some ours láter, Holmes wáks his fáthful frend.

"Watson, look above us and tel me wat you se."

Watson replís, "I se milions of stars."

"Wat does that tel you?"

Watson ponders for a minut. "Astronomicly spéking, it tels me that thare ar milions of galaxies and potentialy bilions of planets. Astrolojicly, it tels me that Saturn is in Leo. Tímewìs, it apérs to be aprôximatly a quarter past thre. Theolojicly, it's êvident the Lord is all powerful and we ar small and insignifikent. Meteorolojicly, it séms we wil hav a butiful day tomorrow. Wat does it tel you?"

Holmes is sílent for a moment, then spéks.

"Watson, you îdiot, someone has stolen our tent."

***

tel, astronomicly, potentialy - useless L is deleeted.

fall, small - cutting a L heer - fal, smal - woud suggêst that we hav a normal short A as in 'cat', wich is not the cáse. So wen the vowel has a special valu, we kép the double L: fall, small, bull, full.

astronomical, astrolojical - befor -IC, -ITY, OJY, the vowel is stressd, no matter in wat posicion, and we never néd an accent, unless to show a long vowel: political, kemical, activity, gravity, oportúnity, ideolojy, astrolojy.

A blak gi and a wít gi ar in an open are party, tha hav to go for a pe behínd the bush. The wít gi sés the blak gi's cok and ses:

"Tel me, how do you blak gís manaj to hav such huje coks?"

"Wel, this is actualy simple: you hav to get a big stone, bínd it on your dik and let it hang for a few ours evryday."

The wít gi thanks for the tip, tha lév after a wíl, and a few dás láter tha mét again bi chance. The blak gi asks:

"Hav you tríd to do wat i recomended you? Is it getting biger?" "No, not realy biger so far, but it is alredy quít blak!"

***

recomended - useless M is droppd.

A big german sheperd is sitting in the wáting room of a veterinary besíd a tomcat. The dog asks the cat wi he's thare.

"I fukd all the fémàl cats in the náberhood, tha had too meny children. Now mi master braut me hér to be castráted! And you, wi ar you hér?"

"Wel, mi master cám from the bathroom, he was náked, and then he had to duk to ták some soks from the bottom drawer, i saw that wonderful ass and i coudnt stop mìself, i gáv mi master a hard tím!"

"Oh i se, so you cám hér to be castráted, too?"

"No no, i cám for the manicure."

***

Silent N is droppd, as in government > guverment.

The portugalis in Brazil ar the victims of the jóks, as the polskis ar in the USA, the íris in Ingland, the belgis in France, the estefrisis and austris in Germany.

The portugalo comes to the Are Force. One day the comander ses:

"Todá yu wil jump for the ferst tím with the parachöte. Wen yu arrive at 1000 méters hít, yu pull your parachute. If the parachute doesnt ópen, pull the emerjency parachute. We wil be wáting on the ground with the jép to pik yu up."

The portugalo jumps, at 1000 méters hít he pulls his parachute, wich doesnt ópen. He pulls the emerjency parachute, wich doesnt ópen either. He thinks: "Fuk! All thats missing is that the jép doesnt show up!"

***

yu - useless silent O is droppd. On the other hand, 'your' remanes as it is, since thare ar 3 varients to pronounce it, as yur, yor and yoor.

parachute - we spel long OO with Ö, so this werd shud be speld parashöt, but for that we néd S, since parachöt wud suggêst a wrong pronunciation.

A gi bís a brand new BMW and goes to the club to show it to his frends. Wen he arrívs, he stops, parks the car and ópens the dor to get out and at that móment a truk passes bi and pulls the dor complétly off.

The gi gets out of the car and starts swaring lík crazy, gets his cel fón and calls the poléce, wich gets thare real fast.

"Mi BMW!!! I just got it from the déler and look at it now!!!! That ânimal ripd the dor off and..." - he continues swaring til the ôficer ses:

-But Ser, how can yu be so materialistic? Havnt yu nótisd that wen the truk ripd off the dor it also ripd off your arm all the way from your elbow?

The gi looks astonishd at the missing part of his arm and ses:

"Son of a bitch!!!! Mi Rolex!!!"

***

ripd - double P is not nêcessary.

off - this werd shud be speld 'of', but this werd is ôcupìd. 'Of' is usualy pronounced /@v/ (@ = shwa), but we dont hav the tools to spel that, and depending on the situation, this F is pronounced as /f/. So 'of' remáns 'of', and 'off' has to remán 'off'.

son - developing another sistem colectivly, RITE, móst gröp members agréd that werds that ar pronounced the sám way must be speld the sám way. Usualy this is never a problem, and in móst cáses the werds ar in difrent gramatical classes, lík 'but' and 'butt'. If yu say 'the butt' it is clér that

'butt' is ment. And if we spel 'the but', it is also clér. But in the cáse of 'son' and 'sun', misunderstanding is possable. The mother ses to the son, "Yu'r mi sun!", and the son replís, "Of course i'm your son, if yu'r mi mother!" Funny: in Germany somebody sed to me that i'm a

/sVniboi/, and i thaut it was 'sonnyboy', lík in braziliano portugaliano 'filhinho de papai' (fäthers little son), wich méns a yung man whö has an ésy líf becaus Dady pás evrything. Then once i saw it written, "sunnyboy", and i thaut, oh OK, it méns a yung man with a sunny mood (and an ésy líf?). But now i found out that germans misunderstood it, and that it is indéd 'sonnyboy', and that it is just a tender way to call a boy. Enywà i decíded to spel 'son' for 'son', not 'sun', éven if it contradicts the principle. Another werd ware i se the néd for a difrent speling is in 'knight'. Thare was the film 'The Knight', and in axentus it shud be speld 'the nít', as nít for 'night'. But since 'night' is much mor used than 'knight', if yu wrote a títle 'The Nít', nobody wud understand it as 'The Knight'. In spéch yu can explane, i saw a film with the títle "The Knight' - knight with K. But yu cant dö that in a film títle.

to - the preposicion 'to' can be pronounced /tu:/, but usualy its not stressd and has just a shwa, so in móst cáses it is not the sám pronunciation as 'too' (or 'two', wich becomes 'tö', tö). We spel it 'tu', éven if this suggêsts a wrong pronunciation (/tju:/). And 'to' is wat we hav at the end of our fét. We can also to a car awá... but we hav to wát for U to mák that chánj.

mary - Mary, marry, merry - in british inglish the 3 werds ar pronounced difrently, some americans dö it tö, others merj mary and marry but not merry, others pronounce the 3 werds the sám way. No agrément, so we dónt chánj it.

suggêsts - britis say /s@'dZest/, móst americans say /s@g'dZest/, that is with a réal G insìd. So we hav to kép the double G. Not becaus it is american, but becaus it is the TS version. We just dónt chánj it.

Tö men ar lost in the africano bush. Eventualy tha löse sít of éch other. Tha mét again a few dás láter.

"How was it with yu? Ar yu all rít?"

"Actualy not."

"Wat hapend?"

"I met a gorîla. Or he found me. And he rápd me sevral tíms."

"Oh, thats hard, now i understand wi yu'r so down. But dónt worry, yu'l get óver it, yu'l forgêt it, tím héls all wönds."

"Thats the werst. He doesnt call me, he doesnt wrít..."

***

'Quay' is speld 'ke', but since quít a few americans say /kei/ or /kwei/, the spelings 'ka' and 'qua' ar permisable tö.

The old prést had díd, sön after the new one arívd. Héring the confecions, he was shokd: the congregation had sins to tel he cudnt imajin: ánal sex, sex with children, ánal sex with children – a réal catastrofe. He didnt know how to dél with it - giving the members the penitence to pray some hál-marys wudnt certanly be enuf! So he went to an alter boy and askd:

“Tel me, wat did the old prést use to giv for sérius sins lík ánal sex with children?” “A Bounty and a cók.”

***

arive - useless R is dropd.

old - the O in 'old'' or 'cold' is long, so actualy it shud be óld, bóld, cóld, etc. But since this combination máks the O long, we refrán from ading an accent. Old, bold, cold, fold.

Fív brazilis come in an Audi Quattro to the portugaliano border. The border oficial ses:

"5 pasenjers in an Audi Quattro? Thats a no-go! Forbiden! Ónly 4 péple can travel in an Audi Quattro!"

"Wats this supósd to be??? The brand of a car doesnt hav enything to dö with the permitted number of pasenjers!"

"No no, 5 péple in an Audi Quattro - imposable!"

"Lisen, can we talk to your boss?"

"No."

"Wi not?"

"He's bisy with the 2 gís in the Fiat Uno!"

***

pasenjers, imposable - for the /s/ sound we just néd one S: sentral, sity, asistent, disapér.

In the end of werds, a S shós móstly the plöral, wich has usualy a /z/ sound. To show that the S has a /s/ sound, TS dubbles the S after a short vowel or ads an E, if the /s/ sound doesnt come after a short vowel, and axentus does the sám, sinse the 'hors' ar something else than the 'horse'. Profeser, cáse, progresiv, corse, stress, penitense, nêsesary, prinse, gess, sinse, darkness, sentense, kiss, mesaj.

For the péple whö dónt hav the slítest ìdéa of romanic languajes: quattro méns 4, uno méns 1. Of course tha wónt laf eny mor, wen tha get the jók explánd, but at lést tha know wi.

The moskéto wáks up horny lík a rabit. SOMETHING MUST HAPEN TODÁ!, he ses to himself. He lévs his pláse without brekfast, zzzzzzzzoooooooommmmm, looking for a victim. Suddenly he sés an êlefent from behind, and wel, he doesnt wást eny tím, he penetràts the êlefent with all his power from behínd. The êlefent is under a cócopäm, on the cócopäm a monkey is siting and waching the show. He starts wanking, the cócopäm starts wobling and a cóconut falls on the êlefents hed. The êlefent gróns:

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

The moskéto ses, rejoising:

"TÁK IT ALL, BÁBY!"

***

waching - Useless T is dropd: boch, bich, cach, kechup, kichen, dich, hich, mach, much.

päm - the sound /A:/ is renderd as ä, but ónly wen the british and american accents agré: cäm, päm, fäther. But british 'danse' or 'fast' dónt become 'dänse' or 'fäst', and american 'lot' doesnt become 'lät'.

An old prést and a yung man ar wauking in the midle of the africano büsh, wen tha ar caut bi a tríb and braut tu the chéftan. This chéftan ses:

"Our sistem is very simple: yu can chös betwén büly-hüly and deth. Wat dö yu want, yung man?"

"But wat is it, this "büly-hüly"?"

"No, we wónt tel yu that in advanse. Thats against the röls."

"Oh, oh, wel, in this cáse, wel, i dónt know wat büly-hüly is, but i know wat deth is, and i dónt want deth, thats for shor. So, OK, büly-hüly for me."

Tha hang him in the midle of the sentral pláse in the vilaj in such a way that all the men in toun can fuk him. And tha dö. 650 strong, helthy men. The old prést was given the oportúnity tu wach it. Now the chéftan asks him:

"And yu, old prést? Wat dö yu want? Büly-hüly or deth?"

"Oh wel, yu know, actualy - no! I'm tö old for that, and i'm a prést. I prefur tu di with sum dignity! I prefur deth!"

The chéftan terns tu the men in the vilaj and shouts:

"OK, FÓKS! FOR THIS JENTLEMAN HÉR, DETH THRU BÜLY-HÜLY!"

***

wauking - 'al' with 'au'-sound is speld with 'au': tauk, stauk, wauk.

As i sed befor - but now we aplí the röl - wen the /O:/ sound is befor a cônsonent, we spel 'au': braul, craul, daun, baut, braut, caut. If not: draw, drawer, paw, jaw, saw.

Werds with 'all' remán lík that: all, ball, call, tall, wall. 'Shall' becums 'shal', sinse it has the tipical short A.

toun - The sám prinsiple aplís for the /au/ sound, U befor a cônsonent, W in uther cáses: about, broun, doun, dout, drout, toun, cow, croud, vow, sound, shout, how, loud, now, round. büsh - the sound /u/ is speld Ü: büsh, güd, bük, tük, stüd, wüman.

A gi is tauking tu anuther gi in a bar:

"I never slept with mi wíf befor our maraj. Wat about yu?"

"No ìdéa. Wats your wífs nám?"

The gi cums tu the docter and tels:

"Docter, i hav a big problem, wun of mi balls is much biger than the uther, so evrytìm i want tu shag mi gerlfrend, she starts lafing, and cant stop it!"

The docter tels him tu sho his balls. The gi ses:

"OK, docter, i'l sho it tu yu. But i tel yu wun thing: if yu laf, i wónt sho yu enything enymor!"

The docter agrés, the gi táks a ball out and it is jigantic, it is biger than a watermelon tréted with hormons. The docter cant hold his lafter, he just cant stop it. The gi ses:

"Yu lafd, docter! Yu realy disapointed me! I wónt sho yu mi big ball!"

On thare way tu get married, a yung cuple ar involvd in a fátal car âxident. The cuple fínd themselvs siting outsìd the Perly Gáts wáting for St. Peter tu prosess them intu Heven. Wíl wáting, tha begin tu wunder: Cüd tha posably get married in Heven? Wen St. Peter shós up, tha ask him. St. Peter ses, i dónt no. This is the ferst tím enywun has askd. Let me go fínd out, and he lévs. The cuple sits and wát for an anser. . . for a cuple of munths. Wíl tha wát, tha discuss that IF tha wer alowd tu get married in Heven, SHÜD tha get married, wat with the eternal aspect of it all. Wat if it dusnt werk? Tha wunderd, ar we stuk tugether FOREVER?

After yet anuther munth, St. Peter fínaly returns, lüking sumwat bedragled. Yes, he informs the cuple, yu CAN get married in Heven. Grát! ses the cuple, but we wer just wundring, wat if things dónt werk out? Cüd we also get a divorse in Heven? St. Peter, redfásed with anger, slams his clipbord ontu the ground.

"Wats rong?" ask the frítend cuple. O, CUM ON!! St. Peter shouts, it tük me thre munths tu fínd a prést up hér! Dö yu hav ENY ìdéa how long itl ták me tu fínd a loyer?

***

âxident - /ks/ is speld with X: âxident, axent, axêpt, fox, tax, taxi.

"I'm Napoleon."

"Wat? U, Napoleon? Ar u kiding me?"

"I'm Napoleon!"

"Lisen, Napoleon was small, u'r tall. He was kínd of fat, u'r slim lík a bambö!"

"I'M NAPOLEON!"

"Wat ar u sáing? Napoleon livd 200 yérs agó, u wónt tel me u belév in all this rubish with reincarnation?"

"I'M NAPOLEON!!!!!!"

"Tel me, hö told u that?"

"God."

"Wat??? Me???”

***

yérs - Y with the /j/ sound as in 'yes' is úsd at the begining of a werd befor a vowel (yard, yes, yér), betwén vowels (loyer) or at the end of a werd after O (boy, toy).

And as i sed befor, Y at the end of a werd remáns Y, éven if it gets a sufix: activity-activitys, university-universitys. But: alìs, aplís.

alìs - stress röl c) ses that werds begining with a single vowel dónt hav this vowel stressd, but sinse the accent grave ses clérly that the last silable is unstressd, it is clér that the ferst silable is stressd and dusnt néd a sercumflex.

A man wants tu depozit muny in a switsishe bank.

"And wat was the sum u wer thinking of?", asks the clerk in the bank.

The man lüks férfuly around and wispers:

"Thre milion!"

The clerk ses,

"U dónt hav tu wisper lík that, u can spék normaly - in Swits, poverty it not a rézon tu be ashámd!"

***

depozit, rézon - the sound /z/ is speld with Z: ézy, rezult, ôpozit. In fínal pozicion it remáns S, sinse it can be pronounsed /s/ tö, depending on the situation. But it is speld with Z wen derivativs ar speld with Z: sinse we spel 'úzing', we hav tu spel 'úz'. Sinse we spel "prázes", we hav tu spel

'práz'.

switsishe bank - this is not réaly a part of axentus, it belongs tu mi personal jeografical röl: -the âdjectiv for jermanic cuntrys in Europa is -ishe, in slavski cuntrys -ski, in uther cuntrys -iano - or -ano, if the cuntry, réjon or sity ends with A without an I befor it (chinano, not chiniano). But the sufixes -ishe and -iano löz thare fínal E if no cônsonent cums afterwars in the sám sentense. This fínal E in -ishe shüd be pronounsed as an E. This is a bit stránj for anglòs, so if tha cant pronounse a fínal /e/ or dónt fél cumfortable sáing it, tha can pronounse it with a shwa, as if tha wer sáing "inglisha". Bi the wa, the cuntry is calld Swits (Switzerland), the âdjectiv is 'switsishe'. Inglishe, hollishe, deutshe, switsish, austrishe, danishe, norgishe, sverigish, isishe (icelandic) sum E's ar mising, becaus no cônsonent folòs.

*** Thare ar stil a fu jóks left. So u can trán a bit the fül version:

Docter tu the patient:

"I hav very bad nús: u dónt hav much mor tím tu liv."

"How much tím, docter?"

"10..."

"10 wat? Yérs, munths, wéks?"

"... 7, 6, 5, 4..."

***

The blond calls her huzband:

"Tö gís wer hér and stól our car!"

"Did u se thare fáses?"

"No, but i did rít the lísense pláte number doun!"

***

The wüman ses tu the gi:

"Lisen, we'v bén tugether for the last 32 yérs, shüdnt we marry for a chánj?" "Dö u think we'd stil fínd sumwun?"

***

"Wat is the difrense betwén a yud (jew) and an arab?"

"Bóth sel thare muther, but the arab dusnt deliver her."

***

“Ex-x-x-cuze m-me, w-ware is the-the-the st-stut-stuterer s-scöl?”

“Wi dö u want tu go tu the Stuterer Scöl? U can stuter quít wel, alredy!”

***

The litle blak boy is pláing with his litle wít frend. Tha’r pláing with pánts, and the wít boy pánts the blak boy wít. The blak boy cums hóm, his muther is outràjd and thrashes him almòst tu deth. Láter his father cums hóm, sés his son pánted wít and thrashes him almòst tu deth again. He gós out and méts his wít frend:

“Now i can understand u wíts. I’v bén wít for 2 ours and hát alredy 2 blaks!”

***

A gi gets intu a plán and sits doun besíd a blond. And becaus she's blond, he has a bisness ìdéa:

"Lisen, how about a gesing gám, tu pass the tím?

"Actualy i wanted tu slép", ses the blond.

"But lisen tu mi ofer: wen i ask u sumthing and u cant anser, u giv me 5 dolers. Wen u ask me sumthing and i cant anser, i giv u 500 dolers!"

The blond reflêcts for a móment, that sounds lík a güd dél and she axêpts tu pla the gám. Then he asks her wat is the capital of Laos. She dusnt no it and without bating an ílid, she piks 5 dolers from the poket and givs them tu him.

"Now its your tern tu ask me sumthing", he ses. She asks,

"Wat gós up the mountan with 4 legs and cums bak with 3 legs?"

He dusnt no the anser, starts reflecting, wundring, she gets aslép, he ópens his laptop and cheks in the internet, nuthing! After a wíl he has tu giv up, and he pás her 500 dolers. She wants tu slép again, he ses:

"Just a móment! Now i want tu no! Wat gós up the mountan with 4 legs and cums bak with 3 legs?"

And she, without bating an ílid, piks 5 dolers from the poket and givs them tu him.

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