|
HOUSESTILE RULES WITH JOKES AS EXAMPLESThere have been attempts to reform English spelling since the 16th century. Single words have been reformed spontaneously, either because some writers wanted to spell them more logically or because they didn't even know the "right" spelling, for instance 'warre' became 'war', 'logique' became 'logic'. In his new dictionary, Noah Webster often chose the simplest of two or several variants, and sometimes he just gave a new, more logical spelling for certain words. Many words weren't accepted, but quite a few survived and are nowadays known as americanisms. George B. Shaw left part of his heritage for the development of a new alphabet, which became known as Shavian. It was a sort of logical shorthand, so if J was the letter for F, the letter for V was a upside-down J, and if B was an J going to the right at the bottom, P was this letter upside down. Very logical, but hard to get used to... In the year 1908 the SSS - Simplified Spelling Society - was established by lords and scholars with the goal to reform English spelling. A lojikal skeem woz developd, kauld Nue Speling, and it woz propoezd tu the British Parlament in 1949, wair it woz defeeted by 89 to 85 voets. It was laeter reformd several tyms. This skeem woz mor or fonetik. Altho there are much "wilder" schemes, this one was "wild" enough, ie it would slow down reading considerably, at least for the first years after reform implementation. When I joined the SSS - later renamed SS and then TESS - The English Spelling Society - in the end of the 90s, there wasn't much talk of Nue Speling anymore. More or less half the active members had their own schemes, mostly "harder" than Nue Speling, and there were the activists who thought English spelling must be reformed, but didn't have own schemes. The website of TESS is written in TS, that is Traditional Spelling. The correspondence among the members was in TS, except for the scheme creators, who tended to write in their own schemes. I thought that this is quite contradictory: how can we preach reformed spelling, if we don't use it? The only answer we could give was: we can't agree on a scheme. But readers would argue: If you can't agree on a system, how do you expect us to agree and use reformed spelling? And as a brazilian writer living in Germany, i saw what happened with the German spelling reform: 50% of the German population was positive towards a reform, but 90% were against the reform as it came. Because many spelling changes weren't popular, often quite complicated simplifications that changed very little. So the idea was: for a spelling reform to be approved by the majority, it must have popular changes that a majority approves of. The Society doesn't have the means to conduct a great poll among the society at large, but we could start finding out what most members approve of. Most members agreed that a silent A as in 'head' or 'bread' should disappear, and most members agreed that 'hed' and 'bred' would be good solutions, since there are enough examples in TS with that spelling (bed, bled, fed) - and probably the majority of the population, too. On the other hand, most members agreed that there should be a way to differentiate the sound in 'good' and in 'food', but there is no agreement on how it should be done: some propose UU (good/fuud or the opposite), some propose UO, Ú, UE, etc, but no one of them gets the vote of the majority, so we should forget about it. I proposed a referendum in the Society, which has a few hundred members worldwide, where every member could suggest changes, provided at least one other member supports the idea. The referendum was made, and a Comittee was formed - everyone who wanted to participate - to streamline the approved rules into a scheme called House Stile (HS). The Comittee came up with 4 basic rules: 1 - Cut redundant letters
This system doesn't solve by far all the problems in English spelling, but it makes it substantially easier: in TS, 50% of spellings are predictable by the patterns of English spelling, but no one is safe, ie if you hear a word you've never seen before, say 'bled', it is likely that the spelling will be 'bled', but no one can garantee that it is not 'blead', 'blied' (as in friend), or 'blad' (as in 'any'). And 50% of the words are completely unpredictable. In the HS, 50% are predictable and safe (if you heard /blEd/ you would spell 'ved' and you could be certain that that is the right spelling), 30% are predictable but not safe - if you've never seen the word 'shout' and have to spell it, you might spell 'shout' because that is the dominant pattern, but HS can't garantee that it is not 'showt' (as in 'down') or 'shought' as in 'drought'. And 20% remain unpredictable. In other words: TS has 50% spellings that are not perfect and 50% bad spellings, while HS has 50% good spelling, 30% not perfect and 20% bad spellings. Not perfect, but a clear progress. And it could have the approval of the majority in the population and maybe also in a Parliament voting. If the majority was against one of these rules, it would have to be taken off the list. Only changes approved by a majority should be on the list. So let's start: PRINCIPLES: P1- When british and american speakers (or a considerable number of them) would spell a word differently, keep TS (schedule)(TS stands for Traditional Spelling). In the case of other variants: keep TS too, unless there is one shorter and/or clearly more common variant, plus the TS form if that would be one of the variants (offen, often, wat, what, flavor). P2 -Root words (respelled or not) don’t change when suffixes are added or compounds are built, if it is not misleeding for pronunciation and no other rule applies. Thus slite>slitely, activity>activitys. P3 –Proper names and the root words in their derivatives are not respelled, but derivatives are not capitalized. Obeying this principle, I don't respell proper names here, but I have an international system, where geographical names are the same in all languages, and the local name becomes the international name - so one would say Norge for Norway in any language: I'm from Norge, je suis de Norge, soy de Norge, etc. And there I use reformed spellings in the languages i reform: deutsh (german), espaniano, fransian, inglishe, portugalian. And the system used is HS, that is, I spell Lundon for London. I also spell Pari for Paris, Arjentina for Argentina, Sam Paulu for Sao Paulo. P4 –Capitals are used for sentence beginnings, proper names, titles, abbreviations, but not for common words like ‘i’, ‘friday’, ‘march’, ‘english’. P5 - If a new word by these principles would be spelled the same way as an existing RITE word and they don't have the same pronunciation, we refrain from changing. For instance we have ‘put’ for TS ‘put’, so we can’t change ‘putt’ to ‘put’. P6 –Apostrophes can be dropped if the resulting respelling isnt misleading for pronunciation (thus ‘wasnt’, but not ‘hell’ for ‘he’ll’). This principle applies for all cuttings. There are two words that can optionally come without apostrophe, although they dont obey this rule: 'dont' and 'wont'. And now we start changing spelling. We start with the letter A, we cut A, add A or replace letters with A. With B, C, D, etc its the same: A The irishman O'Hara had been drinking at a pub all evening. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So O'Hara stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time: same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. He managed to open the door somehow, and only God knows how he managed to lift himself to his bed. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "O'HARA, YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?" "The pub just called; you left your wheelchair thare again!” ***same, face, make - stressed long vowels except E before one consonant are spelled V (vowel) + C (consonant) + E (or another vowel): blame, blaming, ame, aming, game, came, clame, shame, fame, flame, frame, same, lame, name. But also bite, brite, plite, tite, kite, wite, fite, flite, frite, site, hite, lite, mite, nite, rite, bote, gote, cote, vote, flote, note, rote, cute, butiful. But this comes later. thare - the sound /Er/ (or /E@/ or /E:/ in british english) is spelled 'are': bare, dare, glare, pare, prare, tare, care, ware, share, fare, flare, spare, stare, hare, mare, rare. But for instance for 'pair' or 'pear' to become 'pare' we have to wait until we come to the letter I in the case of 'pair', and to the letter E in the case of 'pear'. As you see, some words will merge in their spelling, because thay have the same pronunciation, like 'bear' and 'bare', 'pear' and 'pair'. Other words, that are spelled the same but pronounced differently, will often be spelled differently. Anyway, words with several meanings are not a problem usually, since they are perfectly understood in speech, ware the differentiation doesnt exist. The word 'to' has many functions, and still we always know what is ment, because of the context. The word 'you' is translated into french or spanish as 'tu' or as 'vous/vos' (for the plural), and still we can live with it. The word 'live' has more than one meaning, too, still we always know what is ment - in RITE we spell 'liv' or 'live', depending on the pronunciation. ment - silent, useless A is dropped, so we spell bed, bled, bred, ded, deth, pled, tred, wed, shed, fed, fled, sed, hed, led, red. B This is a scandinavian joke. For the ones who dont know, the finns are well known for being great drunkyards, although thats not really true: they drink a lot when they are abroad, because alcohol in their own country is extremely expensive. During WWII, the finnish soldiers went to the front, did their job at daytime, went back in the evening to the little town, drank as much as they could in the pub and faught quite wildly against each other. Usually thare were always some broken tables and chairs, but one of the soldiers always payed the bill and the owner was satisfied. One day they faught against the russians again, went back to the town, went to the pub, drank and faught quite wildly against each other. In the end they lay around unconscious, on and under the tables. In the middle of the night the russian bombers came, dropped tons of boms and distroyed every house in town. The town (and the pub) became a huge ruin, thare was absolutely nothing left. In the morning the commander was the first one to open his small and tired eyes. He looked around, saw the damage, looked around again and said: “No, no, no! I wont pay this bill alone!” ***bom - useless silent B is dropped, thus bomb > bom. 'Bomber' has to wait until we come to M, then we can spell 'bommer'. 'Bomer' would be misleading. When a B follows a short vowel and it is followed by a vowel, it has to be doubled: habbit, rabbit, debbit, hobby. table - stressed long vowels - except E: we treat 'consonant + LE' as one consonant, thus 'cable' is treated as if the word was 'cabe', 'idle' as if it was 'ide'. These vowels are long, and when they are short, we have to double the consonant: cable, fable, lable, table, bible, idle, dubble, nuckle, pebble. The same as in TS. C A guy is driving his car, obviously too fast, since he's stopped by the police. The officer: "You were driving 40 km per hour too fast! Show me the car papers, please!" "I'd rather not." "What do you mean, "I'd rather not"???" "The car papers are in the glove compartment." "So take the papers from the glove compartment!" "OK, but i have to warn you: thare is a gun inside!" "A gun??? What do you need a gun for?" "I just killed a friend of mine." "You killed a friend of yours? And ware is the body?" "In the boot." Thats too much for the policeman. He calls for reinforcements. A team arrives quikly, the commander tells the driver to get out of the car, another policeman cheks the glove compartment, thare are only papers inside. Then thay chek the trunk, no body thare. The commander asks the driver: "So how come the officer is saying you had a gun in the glove compartment and a body in the boot?" "I have no idea, i guess this guy has quite a rich fantasy! All thats missing is that he says i was driving too fast!" ***Quikly, chek - C is not needed if K isnt followed by a vowel. If it is, the C comes bak: we spell 'bak', but 'backing', since we doant want 'baking'. But 2 words put together keep their spelling, so backup is spelled 'bakup' (bak-up). Usually we double the consonant after a short vowel and before a vowel, but insted of KK we have CK, as in TS. Silent C is rare, i just know one word with it, 'indict', which becomes 'indite'. D An african goes to the Oxford University and wants to studdy thare. The clerk asks him in which branch he'd like to studdy. He answers: "What do you mean, branch??? I want a chair like everybody else here!" *** studdy - of course we have to double the D, to avoid that the U is pronounced long. everybody - why not everyboddy? Because 'body' isnt stressed. If we saw it as 2 words, it would be everyboddy (later 'evryboddy'), but 'everybody' doesnt mean 'every boddy', it means 'every person', besides the 'body' in 'everybody' doesnt have the pronunciation of 'boddy', O became a shwa, an obscure vowel. So we have to see the whole word as one word. E The blak guy is sitting in the bus, a woman gets in with a monkey. Suddenly the monkey starts squeeking and squeeling, peeple ar getting angry in the bus. The blak guy takes a decision and goes to the driver: "Hay, driver, ar monkies allowd in the bus now?" The driver looks bak, sees the guy and ses: "Well, actually they'r not allowd, but if you duk in the bak of the bus and stay quiet, i'll turn a blind eye!” ***squeek, squeel - long E is spelled with EE. Bleek, peek, creek, week, cheec (chic), cheek, freek, seek, speek, leek, meek, deel, peel, veel, zeel, feel, seel, steel, heel, meel, neel. 'Real' could be spelld 'reel' too, but also 'real', and since TS has 'real' and we hav words like 'reality', we keep it 'real'. The exceptions for final /i:/ exist in HS, too: 'be, he, me, she, the, we' dont get a double E. ar, allowd - silent, useless E is droppd. In the case of 'monkey' too, but we hav to wait until we get to U, to spell 'munky', since 'monky' would suggest a wrong pronunciation - 'monkey' suggests a wrong pronunciation too, but thats TS, and it is full of imperfection, but HS should be perfect when it changes a word. ses - the stressd short vowels A, E, I, O and U ar spelld with thees vowels, with the double consonant following when the consonant is followed by a vowel, thus cat, batting, ses, enny, bit, wimmen, lot, rotten, but, cutting. F A young guy goes for a walk in the forest with his sister, and finds a 100 dollar bill on the ground. He ses: "Excellent! With this money i can go to the brothel tomorrow!" The sister ses: "Dont be an iddiot! Giv me this money and you can fuk me as offen as you like!" He reflects a bit, that doesnt sound a bad idea. Thay go home and hav sex. Then the sister ses: "Do you know what? You'r better than Daddy in bed!" "Yeah, Mum told me that, too." ***offen - this is the pronunciation moast peeple hav, but some peeple still say 'often', thay can spell it like that then. The sound /f/ is spelld with F: cof, enuf, alfabet, fone. Of corse with double when the following consonant is followed by a vowel: Peter is tuffer than Robert. G Two old ladies wer outside thare nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulld out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigaret, and continued smoking. Lady 1: Whats that? Lady 2: A condom. Lady 1: Ware do you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any chemist. The next day, Lady 1 hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the farmacist that she wanted to buy a pak of condoms. The guy lookd at her strangely (she was, after all, in her nineties), but politely askd wat brand she preferrd. "Doesnt matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel." *** Silent G's - not counting GH - ar rare: pflegm, diafragm become flem, diafram. But i dont know any jokes with flem or diafram - if someone knoes one, plees tell me... strange - HS only reggularizes long vowels befor one consonent sounds, since in this case thare ar mor consonants, RITE changes to 'strainge' (later 'strainj'), but HS leevs the word as it is. H In Brazil they make many jokes about argentinians, although they arnt the stupid ones as in the jokes about the portuguese. Thare is a sort of folcloric rivalry, but its not really seerious: wen the argentinian currency is week, brazilian tourists flood the country, and they'r not mistreeted, and the opposit happens wen the brazilian currency is week. Some brazilians dont like it wen argentinians win in football, no matter against whom, and the opposit is tru too, but i was quite thankful that the argentinians braut the Cup bak to South America - usually a europeen teem won a cup, then a south american teem, always alternating, but suddenly the europeens won four times in a row, the europeens wanted to monopolize the World Cup... A nun, a butiful girl, an argentinian and a brazilian stand in an elevator. Suddenly thare is a blakout, compleet darkness. Then they heer the nois of a kiss - smak! - and then the nois of a slap - platch! Soon after, they hav power again. They all look at eech other, trying to guess wat happend. The nun thinks: one of the two guys tried to kiss the butiful woman and receevd his deservd punishment. The butiful woman: one of the two guys tried to kiss me but kissd the nun, and receevd his deservd punishment. The argentinian: fucking brazilian, he kisses the butiful girl and i get the slap! The brazilian: that was well done! I kissd my hand - smak! - and slappd the argentinian! ***wen, wat - moast peeple by far dont pronounce the H, but some peeple do, so its thare rite to spell it with H. Its an optional spelling. braut - HS doesnt reggularize the /O:/ sound as in 'law', but GH must go by any meens, so we do respell 'ought' to 'aut': baut, braut, caut, faut. against - theoretically we could spell 'agen' for 'again' and 'agenst' for 'against', but thare ar enough peeple who say it as /ei/, ie with a long A, as if it was spelld 'agane' and 'against' (we cant spel aganest). So we leev it as it is. And to spell 'enuf' we hav to wait till we come to O. 'Enouf' would be misleeding. intrested - usually we doant cut shwas, but we can do it after a consonant and befor R: intrest, seprate, genral. And then we save the doubling, otherwise we'd hav to spell 'sepparate' and 'genneral'. a H - this is not part of RITE, still i hav to introduce it heer, becaus its the way i wrote parts of my book, and it is based on thees rules, and it should apply for all languages. We hav a new alfabet, an internacional one, that is, the name of the letters is the same in any language. It is on the page of the panlatino reglas, at the beginning of the regla geografic. So thare cant be misunderstandings like the name of the letter A in english, wich is named /ei/, and sounds as an E for the speekers of the grate majority of languages. And thare cant be misunderstands wen somebody spells a name at the fone, and the listener doesnt know if it was an F or an S, a P or a T, etc. The letters ar listed by categgories: A E I O U Yau Wau Ba De Gi Po Tu Cau Kei Ja Ve Zi Sho Fu Sau Ha Le Mi Noi Ru A is like english /a/, but can be /A/ as in english 'calm'. E is /e/, wich angloes cant say properly, thay say /ei/ - start saying 'say', but stop befor you pronounced the Y. I is /i/, same as english 'ee', but it can be short. O is /o/, angloes can say it as 'aw' in 'law'. U like the U in 'put'. Yau is pronounced as if the angloes wrote 'yow', and 'wau' as 'wow'. And the other vowels ar pronounced like the vowels alone. Gi is always /g/. Ja is /Za/, the Z like the S in vision or the J in 'déjà vu'. 'Noi' should be 'no', and thats also the werd for 'no' in sevral languages. Usually thare is no confusion eeven if so many letters sound the same as some werds: I C the B thats wants to P on the T. But with 'no' it could indeed become problematic. So F is Fu, S is Sau. M is Mi, N is Noi. Much eesier to tell one from another at the fone. Of course: thees ar just the names of the letters. Thay ar pronounced acording to the rules of the specific languages. I An argentinian farmer visits his colleague in Brazil. The argentinian has just arrived, and the brazilian farmer begins to brag: "Do you see the mountan over thare? Quite hi, isnt it? Wen you clime it, and look in watever direction: it is all my estate!" After a wile the brazilian farmer visits his colleague in Argentina. He has just arrived, and the argentinian begins to brag: "Wen i leev my house in the morning with mi jeep, in the eevening i havnt come to the borders of my estate yet!" "Yeah", ses the brazilian, "i understand - i had an argentinian jeep too, thay'r really crap!" *** hi, mi - the final /ai/ sound is spelld with I: i, bi, di, dri, gi, pi, pli, ti, tri, cri, wi, shi, fli, fri, si, spi, ski, hi, li, mi, ri, appli > apli, alli > ali. The TS werd 'ski' must be chainged to 'skee', of course... Befor one consonent, we use magic E: bite, blite, brite, plite, tite, kite, wite, fite, site, spite, hite, lite, mite, nite, rite. Befor mor than one consonent, we spell with Y (fynd), but we hav to wate till Y for that. mountan - wen two vowels stand for a shwa and one of them is I, we drop the I, since it usually suggests a short I: mountan, certan, foren. colleague - seems thare ar quite a lot of letters to deleet or to replace. But EA isnt changed in this case, becaus it is an unstressd vowel, and RITE doesnt change them becaus offen thare ar many interpretations on how thay ar pronounced. We cant take the final E, the werd would be colleagu. So we hav to wait until we come to U, then we can take the 2 last letters, and the werd becomes 'colleag'. J "After man, the most intelligent animal is the chimpanzee." "Really? And the woman, comes third?" ***In RITE, G with the /dZ/ sound becomes J, thus "intellijent". But not in HS. J, as well as X, ar the two letters that arnt doubled. K How do you get 4 elefants into a small red FIAT? -Two in the front and two in the bak. And how do you get 4 girafs into a small red FIAT? -You take the 4 elefants out and put the 4 girafs in. And how do you know if thare ar 4 girafs in a movie theater? -You chek if the small red FIAT is parkd outside. *** Silent K is droppd: nee, nife, nuckle. But 'know' cant become 'now' now, since 'now' is occupied and would be misleeding... so we hav to wate till W... L Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up thare tent, and fall asleep. Some ours later, Holmes wakes his faithful frend. "Watson, look above us and tel me wat you see." Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "Wat does that tel you?" Watson ponders for a minut. "Astronomicly speeking, it tels me that thare ar millions of gallaxies and potentialy billions of planets. Astrologicly, it tels me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appeers to be aproximatly a quarter past three. Theologicly, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we ar small and insignificant. Meteorologicly, it seems we wil hav a butiful day tomorrow. Wat does it tel you?" Holmes is silent for a moment, then speeks. "Watson, you iddiot, someone has stolen our tent." *** tel, astronomicly, potentialy - useless L is deleeted. But then we hav to ad an L to 'gallaxies', since the ferst A is short and stressd. fall, small - cutting a L heer - fal, smal - would suggest that we hav a normal short A as in 'cat', wich is not the case. So wen the vowel has a special vallu, we keep the double L: fall, small, bull, full. astronomical, astrological - befor -IC, -ITY, OGY, the vowel is short - except U, wich is long and stressd, so we dont hav to double the consonant: political, chemical, activity, gravity, oportunity, ideology, astrology, not polittical, chemmical, activvity, gravvity, ideollogy, astrollogy. Thees, added to J and X, ar the two sub-rules that contradict the mane doubling rule. Since EX alone at the beginning is offen pronounced with /gz/ (exact, examin), we keep the C after an X, to show that this is a /ks/ sound: except, excelent. M A blak guy and a wite guy ar in an open are party, they hav to go for a pee behind the bush. The wite guy looks at the blak guy and ses: "Tel me, how do you blak guys manage to hav such huge coks?" "Wel, this is actualy simple: you hav to get a big stone, bind it on your dik and let it hang for a few ours evryday." The wite guy thanks for the tip, they leev, and a few days later they meet again by chance. The blak guy asks: "Hav you tried to do wat i recomended you? Is it getting bigger?" "No, not realy bigger so far, but its alreddy quite blak!" ***recomended - useless M is droppd. N A big german shepherd is sitting in the wating room of a veterinary beside a tomcat. The dog asks the cat wy he's thare. "I fukd all the feemale cats in the naborhood, they had too menny children. Now my master braut me heer to be castrated! And you, wy ar you heer?" "Wel, my master came from the bathroom, he was naked, and then he had to duk to take some soks from the bottom drawer, i saw that wonderful ass and i couldnt stop myself, i gave my master a hard time!" "Oh i see, so you came heer to be castrated, too?" "No no, i came for the mannicure." ***menny - N is doubled ware necessary, as in enny or menny or mannicure. Silent N is droppd, as in government > guvverment. O The portuguese in Brazil ar the victims of the jokes, as the poles ar in the USA, the irish in England, the belgians in France, the eest frisians and austrians in Germany. The portuguese guy comes to the Are Force. One day the comander ses: "Today yu wil jump for the first time with the parachute. Wen yu arrive at 1000 meeters hite, yu pull your parachute. If the parachute doesnt open, pull the emergency parachute. We wil be wating on the ground with the jeep to pik yu up." The portuguese guy jumps, at 1000 meeters hite he pulls his parachute, wich doesnt open. He pulls the emergency parachute, wich doesnt open either. He thinks: "Fuk! All thats missing is that the jeep doesnt show up!" ***yu - useless silent O is droppd. On the other hand, 'your' remanes as it is, since thare ar 3 variants to pronounce it, as yur, yor and yoor. P A guy buys a brand new BMW and goes to the club to show it to his frends. Wen he arrives, he stops, parks the car and opens the dor to get out and at that moment a truk passes by and pulls the dor compleetly off. The guy gets out of the car and starts swaring like crazy, gets his cel fone and calls the poleece, wich gets thare real fast. "My BMW!!! I just got it from the deeler and look at it now!!!! That annimal ripd the dor off and..." - he continnues swaring til the officer ses: -But Sir, how can yu be so materialistic? Havnt yu notisd that wen the truk ripd off the dor it also ripd off your arm all the way from your elbow? The guy looks astonnishd at the missing part of his arm and ses: "Son of a bitch!!!! My Rolex!!!" *** ripd - since thare is no E ennymor, we doant need the dubble P. Q “Ex-x-x-cuze m-me, w-ware is the-the-the st-stut-stutterer s-scool?” “Wi doo u want tu go tu the Stutterer Scool? U can stutter quite wel, alreddy!” ***quite - Q remanes unchanged. R The old preest had died, soon after the new one arived. Heering the confessions, he was shokd: the congregation had sins to tel he couldnt imagin: anal sex, sex with children, anal sex with children – a real catastrofe. He didnt no how to deel with it - giving the members the pennitence to pray some hale-marys wouldnt certanly be enuf! So he went to an altar boy and askd: “Tel me, wat did the old preest use to giv for seerius sins like anal sex with children?” “A Bounty and a coke.” *** arived - useless R is dropd. mary - Mary, marry, merry - in british english the 3 words ar pronounced difrently, some americans do it too, others merge mary and marry but not merry, others pronounce the 3 words the same way. No agreement, so we dont change it: Mary, marry, merry. S Five brazilis come in an Audi Quattro to the portuguese border. The border oficial ses: "5 passengers in an Audi Quattro? Thats a no-go! Forbidden! Only 4 peeple can travel in an Audi Quattro!" "Wats this suposed to be??? The brand of a car doesnt hav ennything to do with the permitted number of passengers!" "No no, 5 peeple in an Audi Quattro - impossible!" "Lissen, can we talk to your boss?" "No." "Wy not?" "He's busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno!" *** passenjers, impossable - for the /s/ sound we just need one S: sentral, sitty, asistent, disapeer. We just hav dubble S in passenjer and impossable to make the vowel befor short. In the end of werds, a S shows moastly the plural, wich has usualy a /z/ sound. To show that the S has a /s/ sound, TS dubbles the S after a short vowel or ads an E, if the /s/ sound doesnt come after a short vowel, and RITE does the same, sinse the 'hors' ar something else than the 'horse'. Professer, case, progressiv, corse, stress, pennitense, nessesary, prinse, gess, sinse, darkness, sentense, kiss, messaj. For the peeple who dont hav the slitest idea of romanic languages: quattro meens 4, uno meens 1. Of course they wont laf enny mor, wen they get the joke explaned, but at leest they know wy. T The moskeeto wakes up horny like a rabbit. SOMETHING MUST HAPPEN TODAY!, he ses to himself. He leevs his place without brekfast, zzzzzzzzoooooooommmmm, looking for a victim. Suddenly he sees an ellefent from behind, and wel, he doesnt waste enny time, he pennetrates the ellefent with all his power. The ellefent is under a cocopalm, on the cocopalm a monkey is sitting and waching the show. He starts wanking, the cocopalm starts wobbling and a coconut falls on the ellefents hed. The ellefent grones: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" The moskeeto ses, rejoicing: "TAKE IT ALL, BABY!" *** waching - Useless T is dropd: boch, bich, cach, kechup, kichen, dich, hich, mach, much. The T in 'butcher' is kept, sinse the moast likely way to pronounse 'bucher' wudnt be the way the word is pronounsed. palm - as yu see, L isnt dropd, becaus 'cam' would suggest a wrong pronunciation. And HS doesnt hav a specific way to show the sound /A:/. First, becaus TS doesnt hav a specific way either, seccond, becaus of the menny difrences between british and american inglish: brits say 'daans' and 'faast', wich americans dont. On the other hand, americans offen confuse this sound with the sound of short O, so for menny of them 'pom' would be the ideal spelling for 'palm' (or they would spel 'paam' and 'jaab'). Thare is no way to repare this, so we leev thees werds like 'calm', 'palm' and 'father' as thay ar. suggest - brits wud spel 'sujest', but menny americans pronounse this werd with a /g/ befor the /dZ/, ie 'sug-jest'. To avoid a separation between british and american inglish, we hav to leev this word unchanged too. Yu mite argu that we alow for some variants ennyway, like 'kee', 'kay' and 'quay', but in that case thare is a cleer preferd pronunciation on both sides of the Pond, 'kee', wile the preferd pronunciation of 'suggest' in Britain is 'sujest', in the USA sug-jest, and we would hav to list one variant first, thus giv prefrence for either the british or the american form, and we avoid that by all meens. U The guy cums to the doctor and tels: "Doctor, i hav a big problem, one of my balls is much bigger than the uther, so evrytime i want to shag my girlfrend, she starts laffing, and cant stop it!" The doctor tels him to show his balls. The guy ses: "OK, doctor, i'l show it to yu. But i tel yu one thing: if yu laf, i wont show yu ennything ennymor!" The doctor agrees, the guy takes a ball out and it is gigantic, it is bigger than a watermellon treeted with hormons. The doctor cant hold his lafter, he just cant stop it. The guy ses: "Yu lafd, doctor! Yu realy disapointed me! I wont show yu my big ball!" ***cum, uther - short U is speld with U. Cum, cumming, uther, bum, dum, gum, sum, num, mum. V A guy is talking to anuther guy in a bar: "I nevver slept with my wife befor our marrage. Wat about yu?" "No idea. Wats your wifes name?" ***nevver - V has tu be dubbled, sinse the ferst I is short. W An old preest and a yung man ar walking in the middle of the african bush, wen they ar caut by a tribe and braut to the cheeftan. This cheeftan ses: "Our sistem is very simple: yu can choose between bully-hully and deth. Wat do yu want, yung man?" "But wat is it, this "bully-hully"?" "No, we wont tel yu that in advance. Thats against the rules." "Oh, oh, wel, in this case, wel, i dont no wat bully-hully is, but i no wat deth is, and i dont want deth, thats for shure. So, OK, bully-hully for me." They hang him in the middle of the central place in the village in such a way that all the men in town can fuk him. And they do. 650 strong, helthy men. The old preest was given the oportunity to wach it. Now the cheeftan asks him: "And yu, old preest? Wat do yu want? Bully-hully or deth?" "Oh wel, yu no, actualy - no! I'm too old for that, and i'm a preest. I prefer to di with sum dignity! I prefer deth!" The cheeftan turns to the men in the village and shouts: "OK, FOKES! FOR THIS GENTLEMAN HEER, DETH THRU BULLY-HULLY!" ***i no - useless W is dropd: bo, blo, go, glo, gro, pro, thro, cro, wo, sho, fo, flo, so, lo, mo, no, ro. Sum words cant be changed: 'dough' cant become 'do', since the word is occupied and HS dusnt change it. 'Toe' has to keep its E, since 'to' is occupied too. 'Know' can be respeld 'no' - 'no' meens sumthing else too, but 'no' and 'know' hav the same pronunciation. We can change words that colide with existing words if they ar pronounced the same, but not if they ar pronounced difrently. X "I'm Napoleon." "Wat? Yu, Napoleon? Ar yu kidding me?" "I'm Napoleon!" "Lissen, Napoleon was small, yu'r tall. He was kind of fat, yu'r slim like a bamboo!" "I'M NAPOLEON!" "Wat ar yu saying? Napoleon livd 200 yeers ago, yu wont tel me yu beleev in all this rubbish with reincarnation?" "I'M NAPOLEON!!!!!!" "Tel me, who told yu that?" "God." "Wat??? Me???” *** Not much happens with X. Y On thare way to get marryd, a yung cupple ar involvd in a fatal car accident. The cupple find themselvs sitting outside the Perly Gates wating for St. Peter to process them into Hevven. Wile wating, they begin to wunder: Could they possibly get marryd in Hevven? Wen St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter ses, i dont no. This is the first time ennyone has askd. Let me go find out, and he leevs. The cupple sits and wate for an anser. . . for a cupple of munths. Wile they wate, they discuss that IF they wer alowd to get marryd in Hevven, SHOULD they get marryd, wat with the eternal aspect of it all. Wat if it dusnt work? They wunderd, ar we stuk together FOREVVER? After yet anuther munth, St. Peter finaly returns, looking sumwat bedraggled. Yes, he informs the cupple, u CAN get marryd in Hevven. Grate! ses the cupple, but we wer just wundring, wat if things dont work out? Could we also get a divorce in Hevven? St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipbord onto the ground. "Wats rong?" ask the fritend cupple. 'O, CUM ON!!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three munths to find a preest up heer! Do u hav ENNY idea how long itl take me to find a lawyer?" ***marryd - warevver we can keep the root, we do. So we spel 'she marrys', 'she marryd'. Of corse, 'aplies' or 'allies' cant becum 'aplys' and 'allys', since this is a long I. Z A man wants tu deposit munny in a swiss bank. "And wat was the sum u wer thinking of?", asks the clerk in the bank. The man looks feerfuly around and wispers: "Three million!" The clerk ses, "U dont hav to wisper like that, u can speek normaly - in Switzerland, povverty it not a reeson to be ashamed!" *** Nuthing happens with Z, except that sumtimes it is dubbled, as in 'duzzen'. ***Thare ar stil a fu jokes left. So u can trane a bit the full version: Doctor to the patient: "I hav very bad news: u dont hav much mor time to liv." "How much time, doctor?" "10..." "10 wat? Yeers, months, weeks?" "... 7, 6, 5, 4..." ***The blond calls her husband: "Two guys wer heer and stole our car!" "Did u see thare faces?" "No, but i did rote the license plate number down!" *** The woman ses to the guy: "Lissen, we'v been together for the last 32 yeers, shouldnt we marry for a change?" "Do u think we'd stil find sum-one?" ***"Wat is the difrence between a jew and an arab?" "Both sel thare muther, but the arab dusnt delivver her." ***Two men ar lost in the african bush. Eventualy they lose site of eech uther. They meet again a few days later. "How was it with u? Ar u all rite?" "Actualy not." "Wat happend?" "I met a gorilla. Or he found me. And he raped me sevral times." "Oh, thats hard, now i understand wy u'r so down. But dont worry, u'l get over it, u'l forget it, times heels all wounds." "Thats the worst. He dusnt call me, he dusnt rite..." ***The little blak boy is playing with his little wite frend. They’r playing with paints, and the wite boy paints the blak boy wite. The blak boy cums home, his muther is outraged and thrashes him almost to deth. Later his father cums home, sees his son painted wite and thrashes him almost to deth again. He goes out and meets his wite frend: “Now i can understand u wites. I’v been wite for 2 ours and hate alreddy 2 blaks!” ***A guy gets into a plane and sits down beside a blond. And becaus she's blond, he has a bisness idea: "Lissen, how about a guessing game, to pass the time? "Actualy i wanted to sleep", ses the blond. "But lissen to my offer: wen i ask u sumthing and u cant anser, u giv me 5 dollars. Wen u ask me sumthing and i cant anser, i giv u 500 dollars!" The blond reflects for a moment, that sounds like a good deel and she accepts to play the game. Then he asks her wat is the cappital of Laos. She dusnt no it and without batting an eyelid, she piks 5 dollars from the pocket and givs them to him. "Now its your turn to ask me sumthing", he ses. She asks, "Wat goes up the mountan with 4 legs and cums bak with 3 legs?" He dusnt no the anser, starts reflecting, wundring, she gets asleep, he opens his laptop and cheks in the internet, nuthing! After a wile he has to giv up, and he pays her 500 dollars. She wants to sleep again, he ses: "Just a moment! Now i want to no! Wat goes up the mountan with 4 legs and cums bak with 3 legs?" And she, without batting an eyelid, piks 5 dollars from the pocket and givs them to him.
|