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RITE RULES WITH JOKES AS EXAMPLESRITE stands for Redusing Iregularitys in Tradicional English. It was created by the RITE group in TESS, The English Spelling Society, created as SSS (Simplified Spelling Society) in 1908 by lords and professors with the intent of reforming english spelling. The last well known patron was Prince Philip, Queen Elizabeth's husband. RITE was - or is - an open group, everybody who wanted or wants to participate can do it. Any member was entitled to make suggestions on how to reform words or sounds, and everybody was entitled to vote on it. Most members agreed that spelling should be changed according to english patterns, and it shouldnt look like swahili. It regularizes all it can, by these patterns, but some problems weren't solved because they would create new problems, like regularizing the schwa sound, the obscure vowel: thare is no agreement on ware schwas are, like in the word 'intelligent': some people would say the second I is a schwa, others wouldn't. And there are many words like this. This page is written in progressive RITE. In the first joke we will insert or cut A’s, in the next joke B’s, etc. The jokes are often racy or politically incorrect or both, but jokes aren't intended to reflect reality, they're intended to make people laugh, and decent and politically correct jokes are rather like a teethless tiger. If you find errors in the logic according to RITE, feel free to tell me. As well as when you find grammatical errors - my english is far from being perfect. By the way, the name RITE was a suggestion made by the ex-minister of health in Australia, Doug Everingham, who was a member of the group. DON'T SPELL RIGHT, SPEL RITE! PRINCIPLES: P1- When british and american speakers (or a considerable number of them) would spell a word differently, keep TS (schedule)(TS stands for Traditional Spelling). In the case of other variants: keep TS too, unless there is one shorter and/or clearly more common variant, plus the TS form if that would be one of the variants (offen, often, wat, what). P2 -Root words (respelled or not) don’t change when suffixes are added or compounds are built, if it is not misleeding for pronunciation and no other rule applies. Thus slite>slitely, activity>activitys. P3 –Proper names and the root words in their derivatives are not respelled, but derivatives are not capitalized. But since I, Zé do Rock, have an international system for geographical names, that apply for all languages, i use it here, too. Geographical names aren't respelled, but they are the local names, and names in countries where the main language is a language i reform english, french, german, portuguese and spanish - are reformed after all. P4 –Capitals are used for sentence beginnings, proper names, titles, abbreviations, but not for common words like ‘i’, ‘friday’, ‘march’, ‘english’. P5 - If a new word by these principles would be spelled the same way as an existing RITE word and they don't have the same pronunciation, we refrain from changing. For instance we have ‘put’ for TS ‘put’, so we can’t change ‘putt’ to ‘put’. P6 –Apostrophes can be dropped if the resulting respelling isnt misleading for pronunciation (thus ‘wasnt’, but not ‘hell’ for ‘he’ll’). And now we start changing spelling. We start with the letter A, we cut A, add A or replace letters with A. With B, C, D, etc its the same: A The irishman O'Hara had been drinking at a pub all evening. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So O'Hara stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time: same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. He managed to open the door somehow, and oanly God knows how he managed to lift himself to his bed. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "O'HARA, YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?" "The pub just called; you left your wheelchair thare again!” *** same, face, make - stressed long vowels except E before one consonant are spelled V (vowel) + C (consonant) + E (or another vowel): blame, blaming, ame, aming, game, came, clame, shame, fame, flame, frame, same, lame, name. Also bite, brite, plite, tite, kite, wite, fite, flite, frite, site, hite, lite, mite, nite, rite, bote, gote, cote, vote, flote, note, rote, cute, butiful. But this comes later. thare - the sound /Er/ (or /E@/ or /E:/ in british english) is spelled 'are': bare, dare, glare, pare, prare, tare, care, ware, share, fare, flare, spare, stare, hare, mare, rare. But for instance for 'pair' or 'pear' to become 'pare' we have to wait until we come to the letter I in the case of 'pair', and to the letter E in the case of 'pear'. As you see, some words will merge in their spelling, because thay have the same pronunciation, like 'bear' and 'bare', 'pear' and 'pair'. Other words, that are spelled the same but pronounced differently, will often be spelled differently. Anyway, words with several meanings are not a problem usually, since they are perfectly understood in speech, ware the differentiation doesnt exist. The word 'to' has many functions, and still we always know what is ment, because of the context. The word 'you' is translated into french or spanish as 'tu' or as 'vous/vos' (for the plural), and still we can live with it. The word 'live' has more than one meaning, too, still we always know what is ment - in RITE we spell 'liv' or 'live', depending on the pronunciation. ment - silent, useless A is dropped, so we spell bed, bled, bred, ded, deth, pled, tred, wed, shed, fed, fled, sed, hed, led, red. oanly - when a long O is followed by 2 consonants, its spelled OA: oanly, poast, boath. B This is a scandinavian joke. For the ones who dont know, the finns are well known for being great drunkyards, although thats not really true: they drink a lot when they are abroad, because alcohol in their own country is extremely expensive. During WWII, the finnish soldiers went to the front, did their job at daytime, went back in the evening to the little town, drank as much as they could in the pub and faught quite wildly against each other. Usually thare were always some broken tables and chairs, but one of the soldiers always payed the bill and the owner was satisfied. One day they faught against the russians again, went back to the town, went to the pub, drank and faught quite wildly against each other. In the end they lay around unconscious, on and under the tables. In the middle of the night the russian bombers came, dropped tons of boms and distroyed every house in town. The town (and the pub) became a huge ruin, thare was absolutely nothing left. In the morning the commander was the first one to open his small and tired eyes. He looked around, saw the damage, looked around again and said: “No, no, no! I wont pay this bill alone!” *** bom - useless silent B is dropped, thus bomb > bom. 'Bomber' has to wait until we come to M, then we can spell 'bommer'. 'Bomer' would be misleading. When a B follows a short vowel and it is followed by a vowel, it has to be doubled: habbit, rabbit, debbit, hobby. table - stressed long vowels - except E: we treat 'consonant + LE' as one consonant, thus 'cable' is treated as if the word was 'cabe', 'idle' as if it was 'ide'. These vowels are long, and when they are short, we have to double the consonant: cable, fable, lable, table, bible, idle, dubble, nuckle, pebble. The same as in TS. C A guy is driving his car, obviously too fast, since he's stopped by the police. The officer: "You were driving 40 km per hour too fast! Show me the car papers, please!" "I'd rather not." "What do you mean, "I'd rather not"???" "The car papers are in the glove compartment." "So take the papers from the glove compartment!" "OK, but i have to warn you: thare is a gun inside!" "A gun??? What do you need a gun for?" "I just killed a friend of mine." "You killed a friend of yours? And ware is the body?" "In the boot." Thats too much for the policeman. He calls for reinforcements. A team arrives quikly, the commander tells the driver to get out of the car, another policeman cheks the glove compartment, thare are oanly papers inside. Then thay chek the trunk, no body thare. The commander asks the driver: "So how come the officer is saying you had a gun in the glove compartment and a body in the boot?" "I have no idea, i guess this guy has quite a rich fantasy! All thats missing is that he says i was driving too fast!" *** Quikly, chek - C is not needed if K isnt followed by a vowel. If it is, the C comes bak: we spell 'bak', but 'backing', since we doant want 'baking'. But 2 words put together keep their spelling, so backup is spelled 'bakup' (bak-up). Usually we double the consonant after a short vowel and before a vowel, but insted of KK we have CK, as in TS. The rule for the K sound is: before E and I and at the end of a one syllable stem word, use K, otherwise use C. This is the pattern in TS, too. But sometimes it has exceptions, like 'kangaroo' and 'koala bear'. In RITE thay ar cangaru and coala bare. One could argue that these are indigenous words, but 'canoe' is indigenous, too, and still we doant spell kanoe. If the stem ends with K, we keep it in derivatives even if it is not necessary: bankrupt. So we keep the root and it works fine. Silent C is rare, i just know one word with it, 'indict', which becomes 'indite'. D An african goes to the Oxford University and wants to studdy thare. The clerk asks him in which branch he'd like to studdy. He answers: "What do you mean, branch??? I want a chair like everybody else here!" *** studdy - of course we have to double the D, to avoid that the U is pronounced long. everybody - why not everyboddy? Because 'body' isnt stressed. If we saw it as 2 words, it would be everyboddy (later 'evryboddy'), but 'everybody' doesnt mean 'every boddy', it means 'every person', besides the 'body' in 'everybody' doesnt have the pronunciation of 'boddy', O became a shwa, an obscure vowel. So we have to see it as part of the word. E The blak guy is sitting in the bus, a woman gets in with a monkey. Suddenly the monkey starts squeeking and squeeling, peeple ar getting angry in the bus. The blak guy takes a decision and goes to the driver: "Hay, driver, ar monkies allowd in the bus now?" The driver looks bak, sees the guy and ses: "Well, actually thay'r not allowd, but if you duk in the bak of the bus and stay quiet, i'll tern a blind eye!” *** squeek, squeel - long E is spelled with EE. Bleek, peek, creek, week, sheek (chic), freek, seek, speek, leek, meek, deel, peel, veel, zeel, feel, seel, steel, heel, meel, neel. 'Real' could be spelld 'reel' too, but also 'real', and since TS has 'real' and we hav werds like 'reality', we keep it 'real'. The exceptions for final /i:/ exist in RITE, too: 'be, he, me, she, the, we' doant get a double E. ar, allowd - silent, useless E is droppd. In the case of 'monkey' too, but we hav to wait until we get to U, to spell 'munky'. A RITE principle is that a werd shouldnt be simplified if the moast likely way to pronounce the new form isnt the actual pronunciation, and the moast likely way to pronounce 'monky' is not what the real pronunciation is. ses - the stressd short vowels A, E, I, O and U ar spelld with thees vowels, with the double consonant following ware necessary, thus cat, batting, ses, enny, bit, wimmen, lot, rotten, but, cutting. tern - the spelling for the /3r/ sound as in deserve, shirt, word, hurt is ER, but UR in the last syllable in werds with mor than one syllable: desurv, shert, werd, hert, bern, lern, tern, return, refur. We use UR in the last syllable becaus usually an E in the last syllable is unstressd, as in 'northern' or 'baker'. F A young guy goes for a walk in the forest with his sister, and finds a 100 dollar bill on the ground. He ses: "Excellent! With this money i can go to the brothel tomorrow!" The sister ses: "Doant be an iddiot! Giv me this money and you can fuk me as offen as you like!" He reflects a bit, doesnt sound a bad idea. Thay go home and hav sex. Then the sister ses: "Do you know what? You'r better than Daddy in bed!" "Yeah, Mum told me that, too." *** offen - this is the pronunciation moast peeple hav, but some peeple still say 'often', thay can spell it like that then. excellent - X can represent the sounds /ks/ and /gz/, so keeping the C after X tells us that this time the sound is /ks/. Later one L will be droppd: excelent. The sound /f/ is spelld with F: cof, enuf, alfabet, fone. G Two old ladies wer outside thare nersing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulld out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigaret, and continued smoking. Lady 1: Whats that? Lady 2: A condom. Lady 1: Ware do you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any chemist. The next day, Lady 1 hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the farmacist that she wanted to buy a pak of condoms. The guy lookd at her strangely (she was, after all, in her nineties), but politely askd what brand she preferrd. "Doesnt matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel." *** Silent G's - not counting GH - ar rare: pflegm, diafragm become flem, diafram. But i dont know any jokes with flem or diafram - if someone knoes one, plees tell me... H In Brazil thay make many jokes about argentinians, although thay arnt the stupid ones as in the jokes about the portuguese. Thare is a sort of folcloric rivalry, but its not really seerious: wen the argentinian currency is week, brazilian tourists flood the country, and thay'r not mistreeted, and the opposit happens wen the brazilian currency is week. Some brazilians doant like it wen argentinians win in football, no matter against whom, and the opposit is tru too, but i was quite thankful that the argentinians braut the Cup bak to Soud America - usually a europeen teem won a cup, then a soudamerican teem, always alternating, but suddenly the europeens won four times in a row, the europeens wanted to monopolize the Werld Cup... A nun, a butiful gerl, an argentinian and a brazilian stand in an elevater. Suddenly thare is a blakout, compleet darkness. Then thay heer the nois of a kiss - smak! - and then the nois of a slap - platch! Soon after, thay hav power again. Thay all look at eech other, trying to guess wat happend. The nun thinks: one of the two guys tried to kiss the butiful woman and receevd his deservd punishment. The butiful woman: one of the two guys tried to kiss me but kissd the nun, and receevd his deservd punishment. The argentinian: fucking brazilian, he kisses the butiful gerl and i get the slap! The brazilian: that was well done! I kissd my hand - smak! - and slappd the argentinian! *** wen, wat - moast peeple by far doant pronounce the H, but some peeple do, so its thare rite to spell it with H. Its an optional spelling. braut - GH's disappeer. And /O:/ is spelled with 'au', unless its at the end of a werd, then its 'aw'. against - theoretically we could spell 'agen' for 'again' and 'agenst' for 'against', but thare ar enough peeple who say it as /ei/, ie with a long A, as if it was spelld 'agane' and 'against' (we cant spel aganest). So we leev it as it is. And to spell 'enuf' we hav to wait till we come to O. 'Enouf' would be misleeding. Soud America - we start using the internacional system for geografic names. If you ar intrested, go to the panlatino reglas and serch for 'reglas geografic'. Thay ar written in the nacional romanic languages, but thare is also a parallel english translation. Anyway the cardinal points ar internacionally Norde-Sude-Weste-Este, but the final E is droppd wen no consonent folloes. Thus Sude Sudan, Sude Korea, but Sud America, Nord Europa. In the adjectivs and demonyms the werds come together: sudamericano, nordeuropis, sudekoris. internacional, nacional - wen the vowel befor /S@/ spelld with ti + V, ci + V or ssi + V is short, we spell it with CI: nacional, pacion, special, micion. In other cases we spell with ti + V: nation, notion, construction. intrested - usually we doant cut shwas, but we can do it after a consonent and befor R: intrest, seprate, genral. And then we save the doubling, otherwise we'd hav to spell 'sepparate' and 'genneral'. elevater > later ellevater, consonant > consonent - usually we doant "repair" shwas, becaus thare is no agreement on ware thay ar, and some peeple would say that the shwa-O in 'atom' is difrent than the shwa-E in system, wich would be rather a shwi, tending to a sound neer short I. But in the case of final /@r/ and final /@nt/ it is always a shwa and always the same, so we spell -er and -ent: ellevater, alter, acter, assistent, consonent. -Ure can become -er, too, but oanly if the consonent befor isnt changed by the -ure. 'Figure' becomes 'figger', but 'nature' remains 'nature', it doesnt become 'nater' or 'naicher' - wen T, S or C ar spelld SH or CH, we doant change it to CH or SH. So 'pressure' remains 'pressure', it doesnt become 'presser' or 'presher'. Some other suffixes can be reggularized too: /@b@l/ is usually spelld '-able': capable, fashonable. But sometimes TS has -ible, as in 'possible'. Such werds get an 'able' ending too: possable, permissable. And the ending /@dZ/ is always -aj: messaj, persentaj, marraj. As you see, RITE isnt strate alfabetical, its not a one-letter-for-one-sound reform. Certanly it is not as eesy to spell with it as a fonetic system, on the other hand it is much eesier to reed for peeple who can reed alreddy, and moast peeple can reed and write, although of course thare ar dyslexics all over the place... i guess moast peeple would need a few secconds to find out wat 'naicher' is, and some peeple mite not understand it at all. a H - this is not part of RITE, still i hav to introduce it heer, becaus its the way i wrote parts of my new book, and it is based on thees rules, and it should apply for all languages i use in the book. We hav a new alfabet, an internacional one, that is, the name of the letters is the same in any language. It is on the page of the panlatino reglas, at the beginning of the 'regla geografic'. So thare cant be misunderstandings like the name of the letter A in english, wich is named /ei/, and sounds as an E for the speekers of the grate majority of languages. And thare cant be misunderstandings wen somebody spells a name at the fone, and the listener doesnt know if it was an F or an S, a P or a T, etc. The letters ar listed by categgories: A E I O U Yau Wau Ba De Gi Po Tu Cau Kei Ja Ve Zi Sho Fu Sau Ha Le Mi Noi Ru A is like english /a/, but can be /A/ as in english 'calm'. E is /e/, wich angloes cant say properly in that posicion, thay say /ei/ - start saying 'say', but stop befor you pronounced the Y - or say a short E as in 'egg', but without G. I is /i/, same as english 'ee', but it can be short. O is /o/, angloes can say it as 'aw' in 'law'. U like the U in 'put'. Yau is pronounced as if the angloes wrote 'yow', and 'wau' as 'wow'. And the other vowels after a consonent ar pronounced like the vowels alone. Gi is always /g/. Ja is /Za/, the Z like the S in vision or the J in 'déjà vu'. N should be 'no', and thats also the werd for 'no' in sevral languages. Usually thare is no confusion eeven if so many letters sound the same as some werds: I C the B thats wants to P on the T. But with 'no' it could indeed become problematic, so the name of the letter N is 'noi'. So F is Fu, S is Sau. M is Mi, N is Noi. Much eesier to tell one from another at the fone. Of course: thees ar just the names of the letters. Thay ar pronounced acording to the rules of the specific languages. I An argentinian farmer visits his colleague in Brazil. The argentinian has just arrived, and the brazilian farmer begins to brag: "Do you see the mountan over thare? Quite hi, isnt it? Wen you clime it, and look in watever direction: it is all mi estate!" After a wile the brazilian farmer visits his colleague in Argentina. He has just arrived, and the argentinian begins to brag: "Wen i leev mi house in the morning with mi jeep, in the eevening i havnt come to the borders of mi estate yet!" "Yeah", ses the brazilian, "i understand - i had an argentinian jeep too, thay'r really crap!" *** hi, mi - the final /ai/ sound is spelld with I: i, bi, di, dri, gi, pi, pli, ti, tri, cri, wi, shi, fli, fri, si, spi, ski, hi, li, mi, ri, appli > apli, alli > ali. The TS werd 'ski' must be chainged to 'skee', of course... Befor one consonent, we use magic E: bite, blite, brite, plite, tite, kite, wite, fite, site, spite, hite, lite, mite, nite, rite. Befor mor than one consonent, we spell with Y (fynd), but we hav to wate till Y for that. mountan - wen two vowels stand for a shwa and one of them is I, we drop the I, since an I usually suggests a short I: mountan, certan, foren. suggests - brits usually say /s@'dZEst/, but americans sém to say mostly /s@g'dZEst/, so the ferst G is pronounced as /g/. In this cáse we hav to lév the werd as it is. J "After man, the moast intellijent animal is the chimpanzee." "Really? And the woman, comes therd?" *** intellijent - the /dZ/ sound is spelld with J: intellijent, jeenious > jeenius, jernalist, joke. K How do you get 4 elefents into a small red FIAT? -Two in the front and two in the bak. And how do you get 4 jirafs into a small red FIAT? -You take the 4 elefents out and put the 4 jirafs in. And how do you know if thare ar 4 jirafs in a movie theater? -You chek if the small red FIAT is parkd outside. *** Silent K is droppd: nee, nife, nuckle. But 'know' cant become 'now' now, since 'now' is occupied... so we hav to wate till W... CH with K sound is spelld with K befor E, I and fínal, otherwize with C: kemical, caracter. L Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up thare tent, and fall asleep. Some ours later, Holmes wakes his faithful frend. "Watson, look above us and tel me wat you see." Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "Wat does that tel you?" Watson ponders for a minut. "Astronomicly speeking, it tels me that thare ar millions of gallaxies and potentialy billions of planets. Astrolojicly, it tels me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appeers to be aproximatly a quarter past three. Theolojicly, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we ar small and insignificant. Meteorolojicly, it seems we wil hav a butiful day tomorrow. Wat does it tel you?" Holmes is silent for a moment, then speeks. "Watson, you iddiot, someone has stolen our tent." *** tel, astronomicly, potentialy - useless L is deleeted. But then we hav to ad a L to 'gallaxies', since the ferst A is short and stressd. fall, small - cutting a L heer - fal, smal - would suggest that we hav a normal short A as in 'cat', wich is not the case. So wen the vowel has a special vallu, we keep the double L: fall, small, bull, full. astronomical, astrolojical - befor -IC, -ITY, OJY, the vowel is short - except U, wich is long and stressd, so we doant hav to double the consonent: political, kemical, activity, gravity, oportunity, ideolojy, astrolojy. And since we'r talking about exceptional rules in the doubling: J and X arnt doubled either, thus 'imajin' and 'exercise' doant become 'imajjin' and 'exxercise'. This also meens that we leev the C after X as in 'excelent', so the reeder noes this X is /ks/, not /gz/ as in 'exact'. M A blak gi and a wite gi ar in an open are party, thay hav to go for a pee behind the bush. The wite gi looks at the blak gi and ses: "Tel me, how do you blak gies manage to hav such huje coks?" "Wel, this is actualy simple: you hav to get a big stone, bind it on your dik and let it hang for a few ours evryday." The wite gi thanks for the tip, thay leev after a wile, and a few days later thay meet again bi chance. The blak gi asks: "Hav you tried to do wat i recomended you? Is it getting bigger?" "No, not realy bigger so far, but it is alreddy quite blak!" *** recomended - useless M is droppd. N A big german shepherd is sitting in the wating room of a veterinary beside a tomcat. The dog asks the cat wi he's thare. "I fukd all the feemale cats in the naberhood, thay had too menny children. Now mi master braut me heer to be castrated! And you, wi ar you heer?" "Wel, mi master came from the bathroom, he was naked, and then he had to duk to take some soks from the bottom drawer, i saw that wonderful ass and i coudnt stop miself, i gave mi master a hard time!" "Oh i see, so you came heer to be castrated, too?" "No no, i came for the mannicure." *** menny - N is doubled ware necessary, as in enny or menny or mannicure. Silent N is droppd, as in government > guvverment. O The portugalis in Brazil ar the victims of the jokes, as the polskis ar in the USA, the iris in Ingland, the belgis in France, the estefrisis and austris in Germany. The portugalo comes to the Are Force. One day the comander ses: "Today yu wil jump for the ferst time with the parachute. Wen yu arrive at 1000 meeters hite, yu pull your parachute. If the parachute doesnt open, pull the emerjency parachute. We wil be wating on the ground with the jeep to pik yu up." The portugalo jumps, at 1000 meeters hite he pulls his parachute, wich doesnt open. He pulls the emerjency parachute, wich doesnt open either. He thinks: "Fuk! All thats missing is that the jeep doesnt show up!" *** yu - useless silent O is droppd. On the other hand, 'your' remanes as it is, since thare ar 3 varients to pronounce it, as yur, yor and yoor. P A gi bies a brand new BMW and goes to the club to show it to his frends. Wen he arrives, he stops, parks the car and opens the dor to get out and at that moment a truk passes bi and pulls the dor compleetly off. The gi gets out of the car and starts swaring like crazy, gets his cel fone and calls the poleece, wich gets thare real fast. "Mi BMW!!! I just got it from the deeler and look at it now!!!! That annimal ripd the dor off and..." - he continnues swaring til the officer ses: -But Ser, how can yu be so materialistic? Havnt yu notisd that wen the truk ripd off the dor it also ripd off your arm all the way from your elbow? The gi looks astonnishd at the missing part of his arm and ses: "Son of a bitch!!!! Mi Rolex!!!" *** ripd - since thare is no E ennymor, we doant need the dubble P. off - since thare is no vowel following F, it shud be spel 'of', but this werd is occupied. 'Of' is usualy pronounced /@v/ (@ = shwa), but we doant hav the tools to spel that, and depending on the situation, this F is pronounced as /f/. So 'of' remanes 'of', and 'off' has to remane 'off'. son - moast RITE grupe members agreed that werds that ar pronounced the same must be speld the same way. Usualy this is never a problem, and in moast cases the werds ar in difrent gramatical classes, like 'but' and 'butt'. If yu say 'the butt' it is cleer that 'butt' is ment. And if we spel 'the but', it is also cleer. But in the case of 'son' and 'sun', misunderstanding is possable. The mother ses to the son, "Yu'r mi sun!", and the son ses, "Of course i'm your son, if yu'r mi mother!" Funny: in Germany somebody sed to me that i'm a /sVniboi/, and i thaut it was 'sonnyboy', like in braziliano portugaliano 'filhinho de papai' (fathers little son), wich meens a yung man who has an eesy life becaus Daddy pays evrything. Then once i saw it written, "sunnyboy", and i thaut, oh OK, it meens a yung man with a sunny mood and an eesy life. But now i found out that germans misunderstood it, and that it is indeed 'sonnyboy', and that it doesnt that german sense. Ennyway i decided to spel 'son' for 'son', not 'sun', eeven if it is not coverd bi the RITE rules. Another werd ware i see the need for a difrent spelling is in 'knite'. Thare was the film 'The Knight', and i thaut the RITE form wud be 'The Nite'. But since 'night' is much mor used than 'knight', if yu wrote a title 'The Nite', nobody wud understand it as 'The Knight'. In speech yu can explane, i saw a film with the title "The Knight' - knight with K. But yu cant doo that in a film title. grupe - the spelling for stressd /u:/ is OO or U: U + majic E after J, SH, L, R - after thees letters, the long U /ju:/ loses its /j/, so it becomes /u:/. In other cases OO. Boom, prufe, rute, too, moon, rume, june, evolution, thru, rule, doo, soon, scool. We cud hav it all with OO, the rule wud be simpler, on the other hand this mor complicated rule matches mor offen TS. In thees 13 cases, 10 match the TS spellings, 3 doant. And it makes it a bit shorter, for instance 'ruling' is shorter than 'rooling' wud be. The preposicion 'to' can be pronounced /tu:/, but usualy its not stressd and has just a shwa, so in moast cases it is not the same pronunciation as 'too' (or 'two', wich becomes 'too', too). We spel it 'tu', eeven if this suggests a wrong pronunciation (/tju:/). And 'to' is wat we hav at the end of our feet. We can also to a car away... wud - could, should and would become cud, shud and wud. Its not ideal, becaus the moast likely way to pronounce it is not the way it is, but its certanly better than 'could' or 'would'. And cleerly shorter... mary - Mary, marry, merry - in british inglish the 3 werds ar pronounced difrently, some americans doo it too, others merj mary and marry but not merry, others pronounce the 3 werds the same way. No agreement, so we doant chainj it. Q Too men ar lost in the africano bush. Eventualy thay lose site of eech other. Thay meet again a few days later. "How was it with yu? Ar yu all rite?" "Actualy not." "Wat happend?" "I met a gorilla. Or he found me. And he raped me sevral times." "Oh, thats hard, now i understand wi yu'r so down. But doant worry, yu'l get over it, yu'l forget it, time heels all woonds." "Thats the werst. He doesnt call me, he doesnt write..." *** 'Quay' is speld 'kee', but since quite a few americans say /kei/ or /kwei/, the spellings 'kay' and 'quay' ar permissable too. R The old preest had died, soon after the new one arived. Heering the confecions, he was shokd: the congregation had sins to tel he cudnt imajin: anal sex, sex with children, anal sex with children – a real catastrofee. He didnt know how to deel with it - giving the members the pennitence to pray some hale-marys wudnt certanly be enuf! So he went to an alter boy and askd: “Tel me, wat did the old preest use to giv for seerius sins like anal sex with children?” “A Bounty and a coke.” *** arive - useless R is dropd. old - the O in 'old'' or 'cold' is long, so actualy it shud be oald, boald, coald, etc. But since this combination makes the O long, we refrane from adding an A. Old, bold, cold, fold. S Five brazilis come in an Audi Quattro to the portugaliano border. The border oficial ses: "5 passenjers in an Audi Quattro? Thats a no-go! Forbidden! Oanly 4 peeple can travel in an Audi Quattro!" "Wats this suposed to be??? The brand of a car doesnt hav ennything to doo with the permitted number of passenjers!" "No no, 5 peeple in an Audi Quattro - impossable!" "Lissen, can we talk to your boss?" "No." "Wi not?" "He's busy with the 2 gies in the Fiat Uno!" *** passenjers, impossable - for the /s/ sound we just need one S: sentral, sitty, asistent, disapeer. We just hav dubble S in passenjer and impossable to make the vowel befor short. In the end of werds, a S shows moastly the plural, wich has usualy a /z/ sound. To show that the S has a /s/ sound, TS dubbles the S after a short vowel or ads an E, if the /s/ sound doesnt come after a short vowel, and RITE does the same, sinse the 'hors' ar something else than the 'horse'. Professer, case, progressiv, corse, stress, pennitense, nessesary, prinse, gess, sinse, darkness, sentense, kiss, messaj. For the peeple who doant hav the slitest idea of romanic languajes: quattro meens 4, uno meens 1. Of course thay woant laf enny mor, wen thay get the joke explaned, but at leest thay know wi. T The moskeeto wakes up horny like a rabbit. SOMETHING MUST HAPPEN TODAY!, he ses to himself. He leevs his plase without brekfast, zzzzzzzzoooooooommmmm, looking for a victim. Suddenly he sees an ellefent from behind, and wel, he doesnt waist enny time, he pennetrates the ellefent with all his power. The ellefent is under a cocopalm, on the cocopalm a monkey is sitting and waching the show. He starts wanking, the cocopalm starts wobbling and a coconut falls on the ellefents hed. The ellefent grones: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" The moskeeto ses, rejoising: "TAKE IT ALL, BABY!" *** waching - Useless T is dropd: boch, bich, cach, kechup, kichen, dich, hich, mach, much. The T in 'butcher' is kept, sinse the moast likely way to pronounse 'bucher' wudnt be the way the werd is pronounsed. palm - as yu see, L isnt dropd, becaus 'cam' wud suggest a wrong pronunciation. And RITE doesnt hav a spesific way to show the sound /A:/. Ferst, becaus TS doesnt hav a spesific way either, seccond, becaus of the menny difrenses between british and american inglish: brits say 'daans' and 'faast', wich americans doant. On the other hand, americans offen confuse this sound with the sound of short O, so for menny of them 'pom' wud be the ideal spelling for 'palm' - or thay wud spel 'paam' and 'jaab'). Thare is no way to repare this, so we leev thees werds like 'calm', 'palm' and 'father' as thay ar. suggest - brits wud spel 'sujest', but menny americans pronounse this werd with a /g/ befor the /dZ/, ie 'sug-jest'. To avoid a separation between british and american inglish, we hav to leev this werd unchainjd too. Yu mite argu that we alow for some varients, like 'kee', 'kay' and 'quay', but in that case thare is a cleer prefurd pronunciation on boath sides of the Pond, 'kee', wile the prefurd pronunciation of 'suggest' in Britain is 'sujest', in the USA sug-jest, and we wud hav to list one varient ferst, thus giv prefrense for either the british or the american form, and we avoid that bi all meens. U An old preest and a yung man ar wauking in the middle of the africano bush, wen thay ar caut bi a tribe and braut tu the cheeftan. This cheeftan ses: "Our sistem is very simple: yu can chuse between bully-hully and deth. Wat doo yu want, yung man?" "But wat is it, this "bully-hully"?" "No, we woant tel yu that in advanse. Thats against the rules." "Oh, oh, wel, in this case, wel, i doant know wat bully-hully is, but i know wat deth is, and i doant want deth, thats for shure. So, OK, bully-hully for me." Thay hang him in the middle of the sentral plase in the villaj in such a way that all the men in toun can fuk him. And thay doo. 650 strong, helthy men. The old preest was given the oportunity tu wach it. Now the cheeftan asks him: "And yu, old preest? Wat doo yu want? Bully-hully or deth?" "Oh wel, yu know, actualy - no! I'm too old for that, and i'm a preest. I prefur tu di with sum dignity! I prefur deth!" The cheeftan terns tu the men in the villaj and shouts: "OK, FOKES! FOR THIS JENTLEMAN HEER, DETH THRU BULLY-HULLY!" *** wauking - 'al' with 'au'-sound is speld with 'au': tauk, stauk, wauk. As i sed befor - but now we apli the rule - wen the /O:/ sound is befor a consonent, we spel 'au': braul, craul, daun, baut, braut, caut. If not: draw, drawer, paw, jaw, saw. Werds with 'all' remane like that: all, ball, call, tall, wall. 'Shall' becums 'shal', sinse it has the tipical short A. toun - The same prinsiple aplies for the /au/ sound, U befor a consonent, W in uther cases: about, broun, doun, dout, drout, toun, cow, croud, vow, sound, shout, how, loud, now, round. bush - TS dusnt provide for a spesific way tu spel short /u/ as in 'bush', 'put' or 'good'. So RITE dusnt either, we leev thees werds as thay ar. Sum reformers use digrafs like UU or UO (buush/buosh, puut/puot, guud/guod), but sinse RITE wants tu keep inglishe with an inglishe look and UU, UO or watevver we take woant look inglish, we refrane from it. Stil, we spel it with OO or U: 'woman' is respeld 'wooman'. In mi personal reform ském Axents i hav a solötion for it, it is Ü: büsh, püt, güd. But i just creáted it for fun, i cant imajin the inglish spéking werld úzing a sistem fül of axents. The rules for short and long U in a nutshell: short U befor a consonent, just spel U: but, cut, gut. Wen the following consonent is folloed bi a vowel, dubble the consonent: cutting, butter, shutter. Long U befor a consonent, uze magic E: uze, abuze. Long U befor mor than wun consonent, EU: neutral. Long U at the end of a werd, U: du, cu, vu, fu, nu. If a suffix is added, ad also an E: vues, nues. V A gi is tauking tu anuther gi in a bar: "I nevver slept with mi wife befor our marraj. Wat about yu?" "No idea. Wats your wifes name?" *** nevver - V has tu be dubbled, sinse the ferst I is short. W The gi cums tu the docter and tels: "Docter, i hav a big problem, wun of mi balls is much bigger than the uther, so evrytime i want tu shag mi gerlfrend, she starts laffing, and cant stop it!" The docter tels him tu sho his balls. The gi ses: "OK, docter, i'l sho it tu yu. But i tel yu wun thing: if yu laf, i woant sho yu ennything ennymor!" The docter agrees, the gi takes a ball out and it is jigantic, it is bigger than a watermellon treeted with hormons. The docter cant hold his lafter, he just cant stop it. The gi ses: "Yu lafd, docter! Yu realy disapointed me! I woant sho yu mi big ball!" X On thare way tu get married, a yung cupple ar involvd in a fatal car axident. The cupple find themselvs sitting outside the Perly Gates wating for St. Peter tu prosess them intu Hevven. Wile wating, thay begin tu wunder: Cud thay possably get married in Hevven? Wen St. Peter shoes up, thay ask him. St. Peter ses, i doant no. This is the ferst time ennywun has askd. Let me go find out, and he leevs. The cupple sits and wate for an anser. . . for a cupple of munths. Wile thay wate, thay discuss that IF thay wer alowd tu get married in Hevven, SHUD thay get married, wat with the eternal aspect of it all. Wat if it dusnt werk? Thay wunderd, ar we stuk tugether FOREVVER? After yet anuther munth, St. Peter finaly returns, looking sumwat bedraggled. Yes, he informs the cupple, yu CAN get married in Hevven. Grate! ses the cupple, but we wer just wundring, wat if things doant werk out? Cud we also get a divorse in Hevven? St. Peter, red-fased with anger, slams his clipbord ontu the ground. "Wats rong?" ask the fritend cupple. O, CUM ON!! St. Peter shouts, it took me three munths tu find a preest up heer! Doo yu hav ENNY idea how long itl take me tu find a loyer? *** axident - /ks/ is speld with X: axident, axent, axept, fox, tax, taxi. Y "I'm Napoleon." "Wat? U, Napoleon? Ar u kidding me?" "I'm Napoleon!" "Lissen, Napoleon was small, u'r tall. He was kynd of fat, u'r slim like a bamboo!" "I'M NAPOLEON!" "Wat ar u saying? Napoleon livd 200 yeers ago, u woant tel me u beleev in all this rubbish with reincarnation?" "I'M NAPOLEON!!!!!!" "Tel me, hoo told u that?" "God." "Wat??? Me???” *** yeers - Y with the /j/ sound as in 'yes' is used at the beginning of a werd befor a vowel (yard, yes, yeer), between vowels (layer) or at the end of a werd (bay, day, gay). But Y has yet anuther function, wen not sided bi a vowel: fynd - it is the sound /ai/ befor mor than wun consonent: bynd, blynd, pynt, kynd, fynd. And as i sed befor, Y at the end of a werd remanes Y, eeven if it gets a suffix: activity-activitys, university-universitys. But: allies, aplies. Z A man wants tu depozzit munny in a switsishe bank. "And wat was the sum u wer thinking of?", asks the clerk in the bank. The man looks feerfuly around and wispers: "Three million!" The clerk ses, "U doant hav tu wisper like that, u can speek normaly - in Swits, povverty it not a reezon tu be ashamed!" *** depozzit, reezon - the sound /z/ is speld with Z, except in final pozicion: rezult, oppozit, uze, but examples, tels, his. switsishe bank - this is not RITE, it belongs tu mi personal jeografical rule: -the adjectiv for jermanic cuntrys in Europa is -ishe, in slavski cuntrys -ski, in uther cuntrys -iano - or -ano, if the cuntry, reejon or sitty ends with A without an I befor it (chinano, not chiniano). But the suffixes ishe and -iano luze thare final E if no consonent cums afterwars in the same sentense. This final E in -ishe should be pronounsed as an E. This is a bit strainj for angloes, so if thay cant pronounse a final /e/ or doant feel cumfortable saying it, thay can pronounse it with a shwa, as if thay wer saying "inglisha". Bi the way, the cuntry is calld Swits (Switzerland), the adjectiv is 'switsishe'. Inglishe, hollishe, deutshe, switsish, austrishe, danishe, norgishe, sverigish, isishe (icelandic) - sum E's ar missing, becaus no consonent folloes. *** We finnishd the rules. Heer a skematic reprezentation for short and long vowels: SHORT VOWELS BEFOR 1 CONSONENT Just spel the vowel. If after the consonant a vowel folloes, dubble the consonent. SHORT VOWELS BEFOR 2 OR MOR CONSONENTS Just spel the vowel.
Thare ar stil a fu jokes left. So u can trane a bit the full version: Docter tu the patient: "I hav very bad nues: u doant hav much mor time tu liv." "How much time, docter?" "10..." "10 wat? Yeers, munths, weeks?" "... 7, 6, 5, 4..." *** The blond calls her huzband: "Too gies wer heer and stole our car!" "Did u see thare fases?" "No, but i did rote the lisense plate number doun!" *** The wooman ses to the gi: "Lissen, we'v been tugether for the last 32 yeers, shudnt we marry for a chainje?" "Doo u think we'd stil fynd sumwun?" *** "Wat is the difrense between a yud (jud) and an arab?" "Boath sel thare muther, but the arab dusnt delivver her." *** “Ex-x-x-cuze m-me, w-ware is the-the-the st-stut-stutterer s-scool?” “Wi doo u want tu go tu the Stutterer Scool? U can stutter quite wel, alreddy!” *** The little blak boy is playing with his little wite frend. Thay’r playing with paints, and the wite boy paints the blak boy wite. The blak boy cums home, his muther is outrajed and thrashes him almoast tu deth. Later his father cums home, sees his son painted wite and thrashes him almoast to deth again. He goes out and meets his wite frend: “Now i can understand u wites. I’v been wite for 2 ours and hate alreddy 2 blaks!” *** A gi gets intu a plane and sits doun beside a blond. And becaus she's blond, he has a bisness idea: "Lissen, how about a gessing game, tu pass the time? "Actualy i wanted tu sleep", ses the blond. "But lissen tu mi offer: wen i ask u sumthing and u cant anser, u giv me 5 dollars. Wen u ask me sumthing and i cant anser, i giv u 500 dollars!" The blond reflects for a moment, that sounds like a good deel and she axepts tu play the game. Then he asks her wat is the cappital of Laos. She dusnt no it and without batting an ilid, she piks 5 dollars from the pocket and givs them tu him. "Now its your tern tu ask me sumthing", he ses. She asks, "Wat goes up the mountan with 4 legs and cums bak with 3 legs?" He dusnt no the anser, starts reflecting, wundring, she gets asleep, he opens his laptop and cheks in the internet, nuthing! After a wile he has tu giv up, and he pays her 500 dollars. She wants tu sleep again, he ses: "Just a moment! Now i want tu no! Wat goes up the mountan with 4 legs and cums bak with 3 legs?" And she, without batting an ilid, piks 5 dollars from the pocket and givs them tu him. A - chim 2, nepau, gori 2, 1098, pist 2, sher 2, audi, shaf 4, swis, FINN 5, mosk 2, oxfo, lift 3, elef, farm 2, jeep 1, 32, bull 3, came, ohar 2, plac, juar, hevv 3, hate 3, bmw, stut
GEO - audi 4, shaf, finn, lift, farm, jeep
FARM 2, JEEP 2, BULL 2, OHAR 2, juar, hevv, hate, bmw, boun, stut, blon
2, jeep 2, 32 x2, bull 2, ball, came 2, plac 2, HEVV 3, hate, bmw 2, boun, stut 2, blon
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GEO - AUDI 4,
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